Meeting the future head-on.

I could do a sad girl post breakup entry here, but what good would that do? It sucks, I'm sad, he hates me, I feel like the worst person ever, the end.

Instead I want to look ahead. This weekend I'm moving into MY OWN APARTMENT! On my own again for the first time in almost two years. I can't wait. But, I'm sure it will be weird at first, the empty house on top of the empty hours I used to spend with Eric. Last night I got to thinking about the things I would do with my newfound time and space:

1) Exercise! I'll have privacy to use my Gazelle, and space to spread out my yoga mat. In addition to the Gazelle, I have an ab circuit I've been wanting to try, and I'm going to commit to the 100 Pushups/150 Dips challenge.

2) Reading. I have almost a dozen books that people have lent me that I haven't read. And now I have a nice little porch to lounge around on. It's high time I hit the books.

3) Creating. I need to finish all my existing knitting and crochet projects. No more new yarn until I do. And I want to make fun, useful things for my apartment. I have the skill, I just need the discipline.

4) Folding. I have a looong way to go on my 1000 Paper Cranes Challenge.

5) Writing. NaNoWriMo may be long over, but I still have a novel to finish and edit and prepare for submission. And because I have project ADD, I'm thinking about starting a new one for Camp NaNo this summer.

Things change, life goes on, and gradually the healing takes place, seeming, as always, that it isn't taking place.

Life is strange, but it's beautiful.

I've been stubbornly trying to refute this notion lately. "Not everything is beautiful," I argue. I am tired, I am hurting, I am scared and frustrated and confused. I want to indulge my own weak, petty bitterness. I want to piss and moan like a petulant child.

But I'm better than that, and I deserve to make myself act like it. And the people around me deserve me at my best. And when I give myself the chance to be better, I find beauty in everything. Even in my pain, or my frustration, or my confusion.

She took the midnight train (except it leaves at 3AM)...

At 2:30 tomorrow morning I'll head to the train station. It'll take me 12 hours to get to Chicago, and my love will already be there waiting for me! Going to Qdoba with Skittles and finding some source of amusement for three hours, then another 3 hour train ride to Battle Creek and then an hour drive back to his house. We get to spend seven days and eight nights together, including our 7 month anniversary. I can't wait to see him again. It's been more than four months. We don't really have any plans and I don't care. I just want to wrap my arms around him again.

Huge added bonus that I get to see some of my favorite people while I'm up there.

This couldn't come at a better time. I need a break from the stress so badly.

In Loving Memory

In the days leading up to PAX when I was starting to fret about shit like how I'd get back to the airport, DP was the one who kept saying "Just get here. Everything will work out." It was awesome to get to put a real person to my drunk-text buddy and the guy who (didn't remember that he) popped my WP Halo cherry. He's a really awesome guy to be around and I'd even go to Florida to chill with him.

That's what I wrote in my PAX Peeps Recap after my trip to Seattle in September of '10.

Chris Brown, aka D34THP1MP72 or just DP, was a staple of my gaming group, The WorkPLace. He was loud, crude, trash-talking, lightning-quick with a hilarious insult or comeback. He was also kind, supportive, and genuine. He was a blast to game with and always the first to assure me that it didn't matter how bad I was, we were playing to have fun, and have fun we did. He was a good friend who got me through some of my toughest times, either just by being there for me or in his own style of "Shut up, you're being stupid, everything's gonna be okay." He was a man who loved his friends and wasn't afraid to say it.

I'm so glad I went to PAX last year. Glad I got the chance to track him down at the airport and lead him to the wine bar to wait for the rest of the limo crew. Glad I got to laze around his hotel room with him and Pat Friday morning and, from the patio, bust a couple getting busy in the pool (at ten AM, seriously guys?). Glad I got to stand around outside the Taphouse with him Saturday night, entirely shitfaced, smoking and bullshitting with our friends. Glad that Sunday night he said that he hadn't been down to the Pike Street Market, so a handful of us went for a walk, clear out till we could see the sound. Glad I got a few minutes alone with him on the patio, smoking and talking about what an amazing weekend it had been and how much it meant to both of us to get to spend it with our friends.

I can't believe he's gone. I miss his voice, his sense of humor, his bitching and swearing. I miss him saying "No" for no reason, or strolling into a random thread and posting "I'm gonna have to lock this." I miss being on XBOX Live and getting invites from him for games that he knew damn well I didn't have. I miss my friend.

RIP Christoper Wayne Brown 5/23/72-10/14/11. Spartans never die, they just go MIA.

I know I'm not easy but I thought I was worth it.

I'm difficult.

I hate hearing about your exes in any context.

I'l get upset if you mention that you find another girl - ANY other girl - attractive.

I need frequent reassurance.

It doesn't take much to hurt my feelings.

I get insanely jealous and possessive.

I require a lot of time and attention.


I don't like that these things are who I am. But they are. And loving me means loving those things too.

City Museum

By far my favorite part of my vacation earlier this month was the half day we spent in St Louis, mostly because of the City Museum.

My friend Krista told me about it, or I might never have known to go there. It's like no other museum I've ever heard of. We arrived around 8 Saturday night and paid our $10 for the Museum At Night and another $5 for the Roof Atop The City. It was crowded, an odd mix of families, tourists, and drunk 20-somethings.

Our first stop was the Tree Houses - huge, sprawling networks of wood and metal, pieced together for your climbing, crawling, sliding, exploring enjoyment. I got dirty. I got sweaty. I tore my shirt. At one point I got stuck because I was too short to get from A to B, so Eric had to pull my hands while some random pushed my feet till I could get myself out.

Next we hit the Skateless Skate Park, but it was packed full of kids. We did find a circular maze, narrow passages with lower and lower ceilings that eventually had me flat on my belly, GI Joe-crawling along until I reached an opening I couldn't fit through and had to go back. We stopped by the Shoelace Factory and dipped into the free sample bucket before moving on to the Wurlitzer Pipe Organ display, Art City, and finally to the giant slide that led back down to the ground floor.

Next stop: MonstroCity, an epic sculpture/jungle gym/obstacle course of scrap metal spanning the front of the museum. Now, I'd already been pushing my body to its limits in the Tree Houses. I'm in the worst shape of my life - I'm almost 20 pounds overweight and all the problems I have with my knee make things like crawling and climbing very difficult. But now I had to push my mind to its limits; I'm terrified of heights, and suddenly I can see the ground two, three stories below me through the gaps in the metal under my feet (or hands and knees sometimes). The scariest part for me was the plane - walking out on the wing of a suspended plane to get to the metal slinky leading off the tip of the wing. I didn't think I could do it, but Eric pretty much told me I had to - so I did! After that it was hard to be afraid of anything.

Soon we decided it was time to hit the roof. There are two elevators, and we found ourselves waiting with a crowd of drunk people. When we got on one elevator, they tried to tell us it was the wrong one. We ignored them because...well, because they were drunk. Then one of them got on with us - and this guy was extra-drunk - and someone else followed to insist that really, our elevator would not go all the way to the roof. We switched to the right elevator. Their inebriated amigo did not, even though they were all yelling for him. The doors were about to shut by the time he caught on. "What the fuck, you guys?!" His friends yelled at him about his language, and he demanded to know if there were children present (there weren't). "You don't know these people," one girl said, "you're gonna offend someone." "Seriously!" I said, "I'm fucking offended!"

There is a park on the roof with a pond and everything, it's lovely. I was in a hurry to get into the schoolbus that juts off one corner of the rooftop. It was full of drunk, amiable Australians. I just wanted to sit in the driver's seat, which is sticking out over an eleven-story drop, and open the door (the door is blocked by a metal grate for safety) so I did. One of the Aussie's yelled "door's open, I'm off!" I got up to leave and another said "I bet if we all jumped, we could tip this off the roof." "Oh you wait till I get off before you do!" I cried, and got "That's what she said!" in return, much to my delight.

This is the best picture I could find of my favorite part - the dome on the roof. See the gratework to the right of the photo? It extends down the dome to a little ladder from the floor. I stood at the ladder and traced the path upward and out. "Do you think you can do it?" Eric asked. I said no - and started up. And I did it. Two thirds of the way up, as it was shifting from an upward climb to a belly-crawl, I saw a couple standing below, pointing up at us like "Holy shit, look at them!" I don't know that I've ever been so proud and exhilarated.

Then a hilariously awkward thing happened when we tackled this slide. We'd already done it once, and I knew I couldn't make it all the way to the top without using the rope, so I was waiting for a clear path to make my run. Eric was already at the top, since he has freakishly long legs and didn't need the rope. I was JUST ABOUT to go when a little girl cut in front of me, entirely on accident I'm sure. Once she was up I made my ascent, with some random fratboy type standing at the top of the rope yelling "YEAH! YOU GOT THIS! COME ON! YOU GOT THIS!" like a cheerleader on steroids, or Matt Foley. I got to the top and pointed out to Eric the little girl who'd cut me off, who was just about to go down the slide. "Now's your chance for payback," he joked. "Hell yeah! You wanna be first? BE first!" and I mimed kicking her off the top of the slide. But as the words were coming out of my mouth, the fratboy cheerleader was slipping in front of me to go down the slide, and mistook my little tirade as being directed at him. "Oh I'm so sorry, here, go ahead!" I just stood there. How do you tell a complete stranger that no, you weren't talking to him, you were making a joke about kicking a little girl?

Eric had no desire to ride the rooftop ferris wheel, but I didn't want to miss it so he grudgingly went with me. It was scary and a little nauseating, but so incredible to see St Louis all lit up below us in the dark.

Finally we rode the 100-foot slide (it was so fast that near the end I used my feet to slow myself) and - exhausted, dirty, sweaty, bruised, and exhilarated, headed back to Springfield.

I can't wait to go back.

We all shine like stars.

I need to start writing again. Not just here, but working on my dozen or so unfinished works of fiction. God gave us gifts with the expectation that we would share them with the world.

We owe it to our Maker to be our very best, to shine. I've been failing miserably at that lately.

Relationships are hard. They come packaged with a laundry list of worries we don't have when we're single, especially when we're single and NOT looking. A month ago, I was happy and comfortable with who I was, no need to compare myself to others, no sense of competition - I was good at being me. And now here I am, feeling like I'm in a constant battle to prove my worth over every other woman around, comparing myself to them - and losing - feeling like every word, every move, every look is a competition to hang onto what's already mine.

Now I look in the mirror and realize that there's very little left of the woman he fell in love with. I have lost her to my insecurities.

I for one will not stand for this. I often say that I'm not so afraid of losing something as to not try to have it; nor will I be so afraid of losing something that my fear will cost me that thing.

I don't have to be the prettiest. Or the smartest, or the funniest. Because I'm the best at being me. And being me is what he loves about me.

The best love song I've ever heard was from my sister to me.

"Can't Stand It" by Nevershoutnever. "Let's sell all our shit and run away to sail the ocean blue. Then you'll know that my heart is true, yeah."

And then it was "Unaware" by My Favorite Highway. "Don't let it pull you down, don't let it burn you out, you're so much stronger than you know...if you feel the sudden urge to escape, a fast car and your favorite mix tape, runaway..."

I <3 my baby girl. She knows who I am and who I want to be, even when I don't know.

What a girl wants.

In my time off from dating, I've been thinking about how prone I am to settling for less than I want. Any port in a storm, eh? Someday I will date again, and if I jump into that melee without a clear concept of what I'm looking for, I will surely find naught but failure and disappointment.

That being said, I'm making a hard and fast list of things I positively require in a future partner. No more settling for this girl. If I can't find someone who meets my needs, I'm better off alone.

* Sense of humor. This is a must. Anything you can't laugh at can kill you. I don't take life too seriously, nor could I be happy with anyone who does.

* Intelligence. I like to have worthwhile conversations, not on rare occasions, but frequently.

* Open-mindedness. Those worthwhile conversations are occasionally about the zombie apocalypse, religion, aliens, predestination, omens, and other things that overly-practical people don't get.

* Spirituality. My faith is very important to me and I need someone I can share that with. I don't necessarily need to pray before every meal or anything, but I want someone I can pray with when times are tough.

* Commitment to personal growth. I strive to be constantly learning and growing, and if my partner isn't growing with me, I will outgrow the relationship.

* Geekiness. It's not just about being a gamer, either. It's about being able to use "teh" and "lol" and "fail" and "win" in everyday conversation. It's about debating the ins and outs of surviving the zombie apocalypse. Nerd stuff like that.

* Energy. I'm a very animated person. I'm loud. I'm talkative. I'm hyperactive. I need someone who's on my level, who can compete with me, otherwise I'm too much and they're not enough. Goofing around is what keeps me sane, and I need someone who will not just tolerate me making an ass of myself in the name of fun, but who will be right there with me.

* Patience. I'm bright, but I'm also derpy and inept. I need someone who won't blow up at me when I lock my keys in my car for the third time in a month, or when I inadvertently start a small kitchen fire, or when I back over the garbage can.

* Compassion. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who never consider the wants and needs of others. It's not just about how they treat ME, it's about how they treat everyone they come in contact with. Kindness is the best tool we have to make the world a better place.

“Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying.”

For the record, I'm not a fan of April Fool's Day. It preys upon my sweet and trusting heart. But I did tell my sister I was pregnant last year. I still feel like an ass.

Life is good today. The sun is shining. There's colour to the sky for pretty much the first time this week. I "trained" the new girl this morning - except she's pretty much got it already. We got a catered lunch today. I'm a week away from seeing the kids, from bringing Mama home to start a new life here. I am sober, I am growing, I am lovely. My future feels bright and full of promise. My heart is so full it aches.

"The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love." - Paulo Coelho

Alchemy, sorcery, and everyday magic.

Okay, so I can't quite turn lead into gold, control the weather, or transform into an animal. But then, I never tried to do any of those things.

I can, however, extract joy from darkness, spread sunshine on the dullest day, and find contentment in the simplest pleasures.

I can hear the wind sing of my loveliness. I can look at a coin and see a rose. I can find God in the strangest places.

I can't see the future, but I'm learning to stop looking. No good will ever come from wasting today worrying about a tomorrow that's 48 hours from being yesterday.

I can spend each moment at work on my heart, so that when I arrive at my unforseen destination, I will be ready for it.

And I can thank God that my destiny isn't limited to the scope of my finite mind.

Waxing poetical: "unchosen"

This is more song than poem, but here it is.

You see me on the corner
I don't meet your eyes
The cold sun silhouettes me
Do you realize?
I'm broken without you
And I'll always think about you.

It's so cold in my world
Since you let me go
And I'm lost in the dark
Oh but you'll never know
How you've stolen the light
That you taught me to shine so bright

And if you could go back
Would you do it again?
Would you build me a world
Just to let it all end?
Tell me how do you sleep
With the promise you didn't keep?

"No reason is needed for loving."

This is the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. Because I finally understand love. I finally get it.

First, I had to grasp the unconditional love of the Maker. I had to see how much He loves me.

And in doing that, I learned to truly love myself.

It was that leap that enabled me to see the Soul of the World. And it is beautiful. Because it is love.

Life is a beautiful puzzle. We're all just pieces. Puzzle pieces don't choose their place; they are destined for it.

The people in my life, the ones who love me and who are loved by me, are a part of my own puzzle, and as a result, are a part of the puzzle of every person beloved of me, even those they have never and will never know.

Isn't that beautiful?

I am in love today. In love with myself, in love with the Lord, in love with the puzzle of life.

Love is beautiful. Even the love that hurts. The opportunity and capability to feel someone's pain to the point that it becomes my own is a blessing.

I feel like I'm in Jedi training. I'm learning to love without possession. In AA, they tell us that the only way to keep something is to give it away. In the same way, sometimes the only way to love someone is to let them go. Not necessarily to remove them from your life or yourself from theirs, but to accept that they will never be yours.

My greatest love will always be mine. Always, and never. Learning to accept the balance of those has enabled me to love him, myself, and God more than I ever thought possible. Our great romance was a fleeting moment, a moment that will always be ours and ours alone, a moment that left an indelible mark upon us both. Accepting that moment for what it is has brought me joy beyond measure. We will always be a part of one another, so long as I hold my heart high and love him unselfishly, the way I am meant to.

No evil can come from love. Heartbreak is not the result of love, it's the result of selfishness. Love unselfishly, but love carefully.

"Above all else, safeguard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

"Faith is allowing ourselves to be seized by the things we cannot see."

I have two very dear friends, both male, both going through similar struggles, both brokenhearted. I consider it a blessing to be able to be there for them, to try as best I can to give them strength, hope, and faith, to support them and just love them.

Both have expressed the same sentiment - "If I can't her, I don't want anyone, I don't want to live."

This breaks my heart, because both these men are so good, so kind, so loving, so deserving of every happiness. But I understand all too well how hard it is to have faith in God's plan when your own plans get ripped away.

At the same time, I want to yell and scream and pull my hair in frustration. No one has ever loved me half so much as these men love their respective women! How is it that I can still believe myself to be so worthy of love, yet they can't!

And then I laugh at myself, and chide myself for my selfishness. I know that God has plans for me beyond my comprehension. I know that I am meant for happiness.

But if I could give that faith away, I would. If there was any sacrifice I could make to bring joy to those I love in their times of struggle, no price would be too high.

Love comes in a lot of forms.

I've always been terribly dependent on others. I need constant reassurance that I am loved and valued. I can't help it, it's my nature.

Lately I have been trying to convince myself that my memories are proof that my friends love me, even if they don't always have time to show it.

What better way to help myself do that than to make a list of some of my favorite memories?

* Wearing matching shirts half a continent apart because WE know we match.

* Being someone's hombre - then deciding that an hombre is probably a type of piñata, thereby making me someone's piñata.

* Forcing someone to be an accesory to theft from a federal building.

* Comparing a vacuum cleaner to Darth Vader (for reasons you can't even imagine).

* Cheesecake with so much extra whipped cream that it overpowers the cheesecake.

* Lying on a pile of beanbags, eating homemade cookies.

* A delivery of Coke in glass bottles during a two hour wait.

* Camping out in hotel hallways.

* Holding hands and skipping.

* Fine cigars while half-watching people play pool.

* Standing in the cold and rain, swapping mom jokes.

* Alien theories.

* Ending marital discord by eating the last pancake.

* Defending a flag that doesn't exist.

* Elevator wrestling matches.

* Big dramatic hellos and goodbyes.

* Ballet lessons on the street - and criticism.

* Trying to explain a churro.

* Hitting the Mickey D's drive-thru on foot at 2 AM.