Waxing poetical: "unchosen"

This is more song than poem, but here it is.

You see me on the corner
I don't meet your eyes
The cold sun silhouettes me
Do you realize?
I'm broken without you
And I'll always think about you.

It's so cold in my world
Since you let me go
And I'm lost in the dark
Oh but you'll never know
How you've stolen the light
That you taught me to shine so bright

And if you could go back
Would you do it again?
Would you build me a world
Just to let it all end?
Tell me how do you sleep
With the promise you didn't keep?

What if I can't trust myself, what if I just need some help?

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for." - Paul Coelho

What am I fighting for?

I thought I was fighting for love and truth. That's what I've always told myself. But I'm lost in the woods. I think I still know my goals, but my methods and motivations have become cloudy even to my own eyes.

Maybe that's the nature of battle. Whatever we're fighting for when we take up arms...when the bullets start flying, our base instincts kick in and we're just fighting to survive, no matter the cost. We act out of fear.

I have aimed with my eye, shot with my hand, killed with my gun. I have forgotten the face of my Father.

It's so hard not to feed that wolf. So easy to forget that every time we feed it, it grows stronger. And someday it will feed on me. Faithless little lamb that I am.

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.”

Adam destroyed Eve with silence.

When the serpent enticed Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit, Adam was there at her side. The original Hewbrew text describes him as "elbow to elbow" with her. The seprent tempted Eve, and she relented. And Adam did nothing. He stood in silence and allowed her to bring about the fall of man.

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." - Paul Coelho

Goodbye hurts. That's the way of things. But the lack of a goodbye...that's a wound that won't heal. It bleeds and bleeds, while the wounded lies caught between the need to let go and the hope that perhaps, someday, letting go won't be necessary.

Everything I ever let go had claw marks on it.

I have been SO emo lately.

I had a pretty good - pretty UP - week, then crashed.

It's so hard to let go of the things that hurt me. I decided to try and let someone go on Friday, and that decision is like a knife in my heart. I don't want to let go, don't want to HAVE to let go. I want our friendship to rise above the complications of our past. I want to be able to share our struggles, to lean on each other, to enjoy the progress we are each making as people.

I don't want to face the fact that my friend has become a stranger to me. That the damage I've done can't be repaired. That we were unable to last the long dark night and will never get to see the sunrise.

And the sun IS coming up. I can see the sky starting to lighten already. If only the person I was didn't blow my chance at showing my friend the person I'm becoming.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding.

We had it so good.

It was the most awesome first date. Watching turtles at the arboretum. Sunset over the lake. Walking, just walking. Eating popsicles. The hissing from the bushes - I leapt back, actually lept, and he swept me behind him, protecting me from... the sprinklers. But it COULD have been a rabid animal! We went back to my shuttle, I made popcorn and watched Zim. We must have played three movies, and just talked through all of them. He put his arm around me. "Are you gonna kiss me?" And he did.

Tom's going away party, with all his friends. Double rainbow in the car, all four of us. Sitting on his lap singing Journey. Beer pong in the basement and I broke a couple bottles. "It's okay, I'm just drunk! I'm just drunk!" Dancing - "For drunk and clumsy you're really pretty good!" Happy Meals and Zim and falling asleep on the couch.

Animonday - anime and plum wine, holding hands on the couch.

Who could say no to all that? He's hurting. We're ALL hurting, aren't we? Joy is the cure for pain. Not quarantine.

Tomorrow I'll be 2000 miles away, having the time of my life with some of my favorite people. But suddenly that matters not half as much as knowing he said we could do dinner on his birthday next week.

Teach me how to NOT go all in, for once.

Jailbreak.

I pride myself on my open, trusting heart. Despite the number of people who have tried their best to destroy the beauty at the heart of me, I keep on loving, keep on trusting. It feels like triumph.

It also sucks. Twice in the last month, someone I care very deeply for has all but withdrawn from my life. It's wearing on me. Break my heart. Crush me decisively. Don't fade away, leaving me with the hope that you'll someday return.

I live to connect with people. But lately it seems that the stronger the connection, the more likely they are to disconnect. Is it me? How am I getting in so deep when the other person can't possibly be, since they find it so easy to bail on me?

Or is my optimism correct? Are they simply cowards, not comfortable with connecting this deeply?