Life is strange, but it's beautiful.

I've been stubbornly trying to refute this notion lately. "Not everything is beautiful," I argue. I am tired, I am hurting, I am scared and frustrated and confused. I want to indulge my own weak, petty bitterness. I want to piss and moan like a petulant child.

But I'm better than that, and I deserve to make myself act like it. And the people around me deserve me at my best. And when I give myself the chance to be better, I find beauty in everything. Even in my pain, or my frustration, or my confusion.

“Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying.”

For the record, I'm not a fan of April Fool's Day. It preys upon my sweet and trusting heart. But I did tell my sister I was pregnant last year. I still feel like an ass.

Life is good today. The sun is shining. There's colour to the sky for pretty much the first time this week. I "trained" the new girl this morning - except she's pretty much got it already. We got a catered lunch today. I'm a week away from seeing the kids, from bringing Mama home to start a new life here. I am sober, I am growing, I am lovely. My future feels bright and full of promise. My heart is so full it aches.

"The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love." - Paulo Coelho

Alchemy, sorcery, and everyday magic.

Okay, so I can't quite turn lead into gold, control the weather, or transform into an animal. But then, I never tried to do any of those things.

I can, however, extract joy from darkness, spread sunshine on the dullest day, and find contentment in the simplest pleasures.

I can hear the wind sing of my loveliness. I can look at a coin and see a rose. I can find God in the strangest places.

I can't see the future, but I'm learning to stop looking. No good will ever come from wasting today worrying about a tomorrow that's 48 hours from being yesterday.

I can spend each moment at work on my heart, so that when I arrive at my unforseen destination, I will be ready for it.

And I can thank God that my destiny isn't limited to the scope of my finite mind.

"No reason is needed for loving."

This is the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. Because I finally understand love. I finally get it.

First, I had to grasp the unconditional love of the Maker. I had to see how much He loves me.

And in doing that, I learned to truly love myself.

It was that leap that enabled me to see the Soul of the World. And it is beautiful. Because it is love.

Life is a beautiful puzzle. We're all just pieces. Puzzle pieces don't choose their place; they are destined for it.

The people in my life, the ones who love me and who are loved by me, are a part of my own puzzle, and as a result, are a part of the puzzle of every person beloved of me, even those they have never and will never know.

Isn't that beautiful?

I am in love today. In love with myself, in love with the Lord, in love with the puzzle of life.

Love is beautiful. Even the love that hurts. The opportunity and capability to feel someone's pain to the point that it becomes my own is a blessing.

I feel like I'm in Jedi training. I'm learning to love without possession. In AA, they tell us that the only way to keep something is to give it away. In the same way, sometimes the only way to love someone is to let them go. Not necessarily to remove them from your life or yourself from theirs, but to accept that they will never be yours.

My greatest love will always be mine. Always, and never. Learning to accept the balance of those has enabled me to love him, myself, and God more than I ever thought possible. Our great romance was a fleeting moment, a moment that will always be ours and ours alone, a moment that left an indelible mark upon us both. Accepting that moment for what it is has brought me joy beyond measure. We will always be a part of one another, so long as I hold my heart high and love him unselfishly, the way I am meant to.

No evil can come from love. Heartbreak is not the result of love, it's the result of selfishness. Love unselfishly, but love carefully.

"Above all else, safeguard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

Total eclipse of the heart.

Who watched the eclipse last night?

I was not overly enthused about the notion of dragging my aching ass out of bed at 1:45 in the morning to go out into the cold. But - once in a lifetime! How could I pass that up for something so fleeting as sleep?

1:45 found me in my flannel pjs, with an extra pair of pants over, a hoodie, and my coat, out on the cold concrete with my roommate, faces turned to the sky as the moon turned a coppery red. We made cocoa and watched for almost an hour.

And at that moment all over the world, friends and strangers were under the same sky, faces turned upward, watching this same celestial event with the same awe and wonder.

In this, I see God.

I believe that no matter what you see, underneath, there's a beautiful new me.

My wieght has become a topic of debate lately.

Specifically, I get yelled at for referring to myself as chubby.

Let's be clear here: I weigh about 145 pounds. That's down ten from my all-time high this past spring, but still almost 20 from my pre-Kansas weight of 117.

I'd like to lose another ten pounds. But I'm not obsessed with it. Hell, I'm not even working at it at the moment. I had pizza and Mt Dew for lunch.

When I was skinny, it was effortless. I ate a junk food diet and never exercised. Once I gained, I discovered that eating right and working my butt off only got me so far. Probably why I wimped out of that routine.

But y'know what? I've NEVER been so comfortable with my body as I am now. I'm guessing it's because I've grown up a lot in the time that I was also filling out. I appreciate my own beauty, extra baggage or no. I still intend to lose these extra ten pounds and fit back into some of my skinnier clothes, but until then...I'm rocking what I've got.