Life is strange, but it's beautiful.

I've been stubbornly trying to refute this notion lately. "Not everything is beautiful," I argue. I am tired, I am hurting, I am scared and frustrated and confused. I want to indulge my own weak, petty bitterness. I want to piss and moan like a petulant child.

But I'm better than that, and I deserve to make myself act like it. And the people around me deserve me at my best. And when I give myself the chance to be better, I find beauty in everything. Even in my pain, or my frustration, or my confusion.

I am.

I should NOT be blogging when I want to get another 5,000 words done on my novel before I go to bed, but I left this on such a bad note last time I felt I owed an update.

One night, a little over a week ago, I was lying in bed, crying uncontrollably. I texted a friend who'd been gone for a week. I told him I hurt so bad. He asked what was hurting me, and the answer was...nothing. There was no cause, the pain just came, relentlessly, from inside myself.

Pain. That's all it is. I can handle pain. I get migraines, and I have to deal with them. I have a bad knee, and I have to deal with it. My fractured tailbone still hurts, and I have to deal with it. So why is it so hard for me to deal with this pain?

Depression is like a vampire. I can see myself that night, lying in bed while the monster drained the life out of me.

No more. I have a stake in one hand and a sledgehammer in the other. If my depression wants me, it can try and take me, but I won't go without a fight.

I know that part of my improvement is from the Prozac, and part is from the love and support of my friends. But part of it is rediscovering the strength of my will.

I've got this.

You count the days as they barely move.

Whoa. Last time I paid this thing a visit, I was only 27.

27 was probably the most difficult year of my life, if not the worst. But all the struggling I did made it the most important year, too. I think I learned more, grew more, and changed more while I was 27 than I did collectively over all the years prior.

27 brought out the worst in me, brought me down to my basest level. I finally saw the girl I really was...and I didn't like her. I didn't hate her, either; I felt sorry for her. She was a victim, someone who let all the pain and ugliness around her ruin all that was good within her. She was pathetic.

But I'm a year older now, and thanks to the many ways I was blessed when I needed it most, I'm not that girl anymore. I've never been stronger or more self-assured. I now know that no matter what happens to me, I can and will survive.

That girl is still in here. Sometimes I catch glimpses of her under the surface. And honestly? I'm kind of glad. It feels good to know that I'm not her anymore because I choose not to be.

Stop the wagon, I'm getting off.

I've decided to drink.

I don't think it's a relapse. It's not a matter of "OMG life sucks I can't take it I need a drink!" I don't NEED a drink. Hell, I don't even want one right now.

What I want is certainty.

I wasn't what they call a "low-bottom drunk" when I quit. I didn't lose a job, or a spouse, or get sent to rehab.

I quit drinking because I could not picture my life without alcohol. This is no longer so. I haven't had a drink in ten months. I can do it.

But do I have to? I grow weary of being the only sober person at the party. Of the sheepish looks and awkward silences that follow harmless slips of the tongue from normal drinkers. If that's the way it has to be, then so be it. But what if that ISN'T the way it has to be?

I had a very bad year last year. No support system, no healthy coping mechanisms, no belief in myself or my future. I knew I was out of control, I just didn't care.

I'm not that girl anymore. I know who I am, and more importantly, who I want to be. I want to continue to grow as a person, to keep strengthening my relationship with God, to work toward my as-yet-undiscovered Personal Legend.

And I can no longer say with any degree of certainty that I must abstain from alcohol to do that. I can no longer say "I'm an alcoholic" and know it's true.

The Big Book says, if you're not sure you're an alcoholic, try some controlled drinking. So, that's what I intend to do. I'm not running back to the bottle or anything. But, the next time I'm in a social drinking situation, if I feel like it, I'll have a drink. My sponsor is on board. He says that the fact that I decided yesterday morning to try again, yet I haven't had a drink yet, is a good sign. He will be there for me whether I succeed or fail, and he will love me no matter what.

Maybe I'll discover that I CAN be a social drinker; that I'm not an alcoholic, I was just lost. Or, maybe I'll discover that I still can't have just one, that when I take that first drink I still lose all control. If so, then I'll go back to AA. But at least I'll know for sure.

We all shine like stars.

I need to start writing again. Not just here, but working on my dozen or so unfinished works of fiction. God gave us gifts with the expectation that we would share them with the world.

We owe it to our Maker to be our very best, to shine. I've been failing miserably at that lately.

Relationships are hard. They come packaged with a laundry list of worries we don't have when we're single, especially when we're single and NOT looking. A month ago, I was happy and comfortable with who I was, no need to compare myself to others, no sense of competition - I was good at being me. And now here I am, feeling like I'm in a constant battle to prove my worth over every other woman around, comparing myself to them - and losing - feeling like every word, every move, every look is a competition to hang onto what's already mine.

Now I look in the mirror and realize that there's very little left of the woman he fell in love with. I have lost her to my insecurities.

I for one will not stand for this. I often say that I'm not so afraid of losing something as to not try to have it; nor will I be so afraid of losing something that my fear will cost me that thing.

I don't have to be the prettiest. Or the smartest, or the funniest. Because I'm the best at being me. And being me is what he loves about me.

She's having my baby.

Stand down, I'm not really having a baby. But, I've been sober for nine months as of last Sunday. It feels at once like a long time and no time at all. I'm proud, I'm grateful, I'm acutely aware of how far I've yet to go.

I feel good about a lot of things, though. I'm a good person with a good heart. I'm genuine, compassionate, and tender. I'm learning to recognize and rectify the things I do that don't serve me well. I'm working on not taking responsibility for the people around me, on focusing my energy on things within my control.

Someone very dear to me relapsed last night. Not just relapsed, but "gave up on recovery" altogether. It breaks my heart. But I can't do anything about it. He's just not ready yet. All I can do is pray that someday he will be.

Whenever someone falls off the wagon, we say "They just haven't hit that bottom yet." It terrifies me. Have *I* hit that bottom? I was pretty lucky compared to a lot of people.

I know next time, I might not be so lucky. I know I don't want to find out. I know I don't want to go back out there, don't want to lose the things I've gained in recovery, don't want to go back to being that girl again. And I don't have to, so long as I keep working, keep praying, keep going to meetings. It's my choice.

Half Measures: Availing Me Nothing since 9/2010

One of the first things I learned in AA was "The only thing you have to change is everything." So I quit drinking, dropped some old friends, made some new ones, started focusing more on my relationship with God, started working the steps, started emphasizing acceptance...

But what did I really change?

Monday night I got into a heated debate with a fellow addict. I declared and explained my beliefs. Then I started questioning them. I knew WHAT I believed, but why did I believe it? Because it's right? Because it's convenient? Because I've been twisted by bad experiences?

I went to my sponsor and explained what I was feeling, and he ordered me to conduct a thirty-day experiment. I balked. "But that goes against who I am!"

That's when it hit me. How am I supposed to grow and change if I'm holding on to who I've always been? Who I am is a drunk. That's why I joined AA. But I've been trying to work the program while still being the same girl I've always been. And that won't work.

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." I've heard that HUNDREDS of times and somehow I just never got it.

No more half measures. I'm going to stop justifying my behavior with "This is who I am!" I'm going to start trying new approaches to life and forming new beliefs.

For the record, I pretty much have no clue what I'm doing. But no idea is better than the wrong idea, right?

What a girl wants.

In my time off from dating, I've been thinking about how prone I am to settling for less than I want. Any port in a storm, eh? Someday I will date again, and if I jump into that melee without a clear concept of what I'm looking for, I will surely find naught but failure and disappointment.

That being said, I'm making a hard and fast list of things I positively require in a future partner. No more settling for this girl. If I can't find someone who meets my needs, I'm better off alone.

* Sense of humor. This is a must. Anything you can't laugh at can kill you. I don't take life too seriously, nor could I be happy with anyone who does.

* Intelligence. I like to have worthwhile conversations, not on rare occasions, but frequently.

* Open-mindedness. Those worthwhile conversations are occasionally about the zombie apocalypse, religion, aliens, predestination, omens, and other things that overly-practical people don't get.

* Spirituality. My faith is very important to me and I need someone I can share that with. I don't necessarily need to pray before every meal or anything, but I want someone I can pray with when times are tough.

* Commitment to personal growth. I strive to be constantly learning and growing, and if my partner isn't growing with me, I will outgrow the relationship.

* Geekiness. It's not just about being a gamer, either. It's about being able to use "teh" and "lol" and "fail" and "win" in everyday conversation. It's about debating the ins and outs of surviving the zombie apocalypse. Nerd stuff like that.

* Energy. I'm a very animated person. I'm loud. I'm talkative. I'm hyperactive. I need someone who's on my level, who can compete with me, otherwise I'm too much and they're not enough. Goofing around is what keeps me sane, and I need someone who will not just tolerate me making an ass of myself in the name of fun, but who will be right there with me.

* Patience. I'm bright, but I'm also derpy and inept. I need someone who won't blow up at me when I lock my keys in my car for the third time in a month, or when I inadvertently start a small kitchen fire, or when I back over the garbage can.

* Compassion. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who never consider the wants and needs of others. It's not just about how they treat ME, it's about how they treat everyone they come in contact with. Kindness is the best tool we have to make the world a better place.

“Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying.”

For the record, I'm not a fan of April Fool's Day. It preys upon my sweet and trusting heart. But I did tell my sister I was pregnant last year. I still feel like an ass.

Life is good today. The sun is shining. There's colour to the sky for pretty much the first time this week. I "trained" the new girl this morning - except she's pretty much got it already. We got a catered lunch today. I'm a week away from seeing the kids, from bringing Mama home to start a new life here. I am sober, I am growing, I am lovely. My future feels bright and full of promise. My heart is so full it aches.

"The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love." - Paulo Coelho

Alchemy, sorcery, and everyday magic.

Okay, so I can't quite turn lead into gold, control the weather, or transform into an animal. But then, I never tried to do any of those things.

I can, however, extract joy from darkness, spread sunshine on the dullest day, and find contentment in the simplest pleasures.

I can hear the wind sing of my loveliness. I can look at a coin and see a rose. I can find God in the strangest places.

I can't see the future, but I'm learning to stop looking. No good will ever come from wasting today worrying about a tomorrow that's 48 hours from being yesterday.

I can spend each moment at work on my heart, so that when I arrive at my unforseen destination, I will be ready for it.

And I can thank God that my destiny isn't limited to the scope of my finite mind.

It feels like a win to me.

I want a drink.

The craving hit around 6:30 this morning. I asked my body "When did you EVER get booze before 7 AM???" (Ridiculous sidenote: I've started talking to myself in a British accent. Just for the lulz.)

Honestly? It doesn't bother me. "This too shall pass." I know damn well I'm not gonna drink. It's not as if I ever believed that the cravings would go away entirely. The important thing is that it's not gonna beat me.

Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I cry, sometimes I lose my way at night, sometimes I stumble, sometimes I fall, but I'm never gonna throw away it all.

Being a great big dork is what I love most about myself.

Stuff is happening. Good stuff. Changes for the better. I dig it.

I laughed more between 8 last night and 9 this morning than most people do all week. I have the most incredible and hilarious friends. When I am overwhelmed by life's myriad frustrations, they either help me find the lighter side, or they distract me entirely. They save me from my sorrow before it can swallow me whole. And I become a better person as a result.

I am zombie-tired today. I can barely comprehend human speech. I can't wait to sleep...in 7 hours...when my day is over...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It never goes smooth.

I'm getting off the meds, which is probably why I'm so dizzy I can hardly stand, why it feels like my brain keeps inflating like a balloon. I'll see the doctor again, but I have a hunch I just have to ride it out. I KNEW that it would get worse before it gets better. And I'm getting better at distinquishing between dreams and reality. I just wish I knew for sure what's wrong with me.

Otherwise...I'm happy. I comprehend the word "serenity" and I know peace. I'm sponsoring a girl in the program, which is challenging, but rewarding. I helped my roommate celebrate her birthday this weekend - and it was a better day for me than any birthday I've had in years! I'm making new friends...and family.

Saturday night I got to sit next to my friend's darling son while he drew pictures for me, then he turned to his mom and said "Can my aunt Jacki come over and see my hamster?"

I am truly blessed.

"No reason is needed for loving."

This is the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. Because I finally understand love. I finally get it.

First, I had to grasp the unconditional love of the Maker. I had to see how much He loves me.

And in doing that, I learned to truly love myself.

It was that leap that enabled me to see the Soul of the World. And it is beautiful. Because it is love.

Life is a beautiful puzzle. We're all just pieces. Puzzle pieces don't choose their place; they are destined for it.

The people in my life, the ones who love me and who are loved by me, are a part of my own puzzle, and as a result, are a part of the puzzle of every person beloved of me, even those they have never and will never know.

Isn't that beautiful?

I am in love today. In love with myself, in love with the Lord, in love with the puzzle of life.

Love is beautiful. Even the love that hurts. The opportunity and capability to feel someone's pain to the point that it becomes my own is a blessing.

I feel like I'm in Jedi training. I'm learning to love without possession. In AA, they tell us that the only way to keep something is to give it away. In the same way, sometimes the only way to love someone is to let them go. Not necessarily to remove them from your life or yourself from theirs, but to accept that they will never be yours.

My greatest love will always be mine. Always, and never. Learning to accept the balance of those has enabled me to love him, myself, and God more than I ever thought possible. Our great romance was a fleeting moment, a moment that will always be ours and ours alone, a moment that left an indelible mark upon us both. Accepting that moment for what it is has brought me joy beyond measure. We will always be a part of one another, so long as I hold my heart high and love him unselfishly, the way I am meant to.

No evil can come from love. Heartbreak is not the result of love, it's the result of selfishness. Love unselfishly, but love carefully.

"Above all else, safeguard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey.

I'm grounded.

* No dating.
* No staying out past 11 PM.
* No going out without telling Michelle where I'll be and with whom.
* Attend at least once a week a church of my choosing.

In addition to the groundation, I have an assignment. When Michelle was a little girl, her mother took a little notepad and wrote down all the prayers and Bible verses she felt a little girl needed to know as she grew up. So Michelle bought me a lovely new notebook, and handed me the notepad from her mother, and instructed me to copy those prayers and verses into my own notebook. (As an aside, the friend that I wrote about in my earliest entries, the dear woman who passed away on Father's Day, was Michelle's mother.) I can't articulate how deeply this has touched my heart.

In my early days of sobriety, I would wake with a feeling of serenity. Sometimes it would be gone within the hour, other times it would last the day. Now, I wake with my heart disquiet. I start the morning with an empty glass, and it is up to me to fill it with serenity as I move through my day. This is a better way; complacency did me no favors.

Today is four months sober for me. My first birthday that I don't get to celebrate in a meeting (after 3 months you have to wait for 6) and I'm relieved it's so. I couldn't celebrate there now. Not yet. Not while I'm so acutely feeling someone's absence.

So many people know the first verse of the Serenity Prayer, but the second verse is so important, so here's the whole enchilada.

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next."

Amen.

Eyes on the horizon.

Life is strange, but it's beautiful.

I have this exhilarating feeling, like I'm rushing toward something incredible. Because I AM. In a few months, my family will be reunited. I'll be living in a new place, living a new life, as a new me. There are so many good things in the works, some I'm keeping quiet for now.

Turns out, letting go wasn't necessary. My friend is a part of my life again. I can't begin to describe my joy.

Next month, I'm going on an epic adventure! My first trip to America's wang, to see Kyle! I am excite! We will overdose on energy drinks and deprive ourselves of sleep and much awesomeness will ensue. Tampa may never recover.

I hate to say it, but...my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

(I lied. I'm an 80's baby all the way - I didn't hate saying it.)

Happy, joyous, and free.

90 days sober today!

I am overwhelmed with blessings.

So many friends who fill my life with joy, love, and laughter.
An amazing roommate who helps me almost daily with my faith.
A patient and loving Father who is all too happy to manage the life I failed so spectacular at managing myself.
A good job with some of the finest people I have ever known.
An incredible family, and we'll all be together again within a year!

For the first time in my life, I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay, so long as I trust myself to God's care.

"This is a day I'll feel good to be me."

Sixty days sober!

Happy 60 day sobriety birthday to me!

Let me just say this:

The first thirty days were, with a few notable exceptions, mostly sunshine and bunnies.

The second thirty days were, with a few notable exceptions, a real bitch.

But here's me, feeling better than ever. How naive of me to think it would always be easy! What worth having is ever easy? I have learned to trust God - because no matter how bad things have gotten, haven't they always been okay in the end? I'm a fighter, always have been. No matter how tough this gets, I can be tougher.

When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.

Thank God for my friends, who carry me when I can't find the strength to run. I love you guys.

Boy-crazy.

In addition to a drinking problem, I suffer from a man problem.

It's so embarrassingly cliché:
[abandonment by father] + [sexual abuse] + [low self-esteem] = promiscuity!

Of course, promiscuity is a broad term.

At any rate, boys. I tend to need them. To an embarrassing degree. I went back over my old entries and was embarrassed by how many were about boys.

Fortunately, that's not really an issue right now!

We are not allowed to date in the early stages of recovery. And I don't even WANT to. I'm too much a mess right now, I can't handle the pressure of someone making demands of me.

I have a video game boyfriend (I <3 Alistair) thanks to Dragon Age: Origins, and that's all the romance I want!

Although...

I was talking to a friend the other day...a guy. One I had a real shot with, til I got drunk and blew it. And I realized that he was the last good guy in my life. And I threw it away.

Maybe someday...when I'm less of a mess...oh, who knows.

The best laid plans...well, you know.

I've actually been avoiding this place because I was supposed to blog about PAX and I haven't. I still will. I have a ton of great memories from the trip that I both want to share and to get down in text. But there's something else to talk about first.

My name is Jacki and I'm an alcoholic.

People have been on me about my drinking to various degrees for some time now. I'm blessed to have a friend in the program in Detroit. One day he told me "Call me when you hit step one." I had to google that.

One night I was at the bar - drunk - and texting with my best friend. He said "We're gonna have a talk tomorrow, missy." I insisted that we go ahead and talk, and he told me I drink too much (among other things). And since everything seems so simple when I'm drunk, I said "Okay, I'll quit drinking!"

When I sobered up, I discovered something horrifying. I discovered I literally CANNOT picture my life without alcohol. I contacted my friend in Detroit. I said "My life has become unmanageable." He found meetings for me.

I've been sober for 13 days today. I've been to a meeting every night for a week. I feel so blessed that this program exists. Every night I get to have my hope, faith, and strength renewed, I get to learn, I get to spend an hour or so with people who genuinely care about my struggle because it is also theirs, and they are helping me the way others helped them, the way I will someday help others.

I don't really know who I am without alcohol. But I'm excited to find out. And I know that whoever I am is better than who I had become.