"To be half of a whole?"

I am so lost, so broken, so alone.

One of the ladies at the women's meeting told me I needed to go through the stages of grief. I thought she was talking about Cadence. And maybe she was.

But it's not my cat that I need to grieve for. Or my last disastrous relationship.

It's me.

I'm what I've lost. I'm what I need to grieve for. I have to learn how to live when so much of me is dead.

I killed myself. A little bit at a time. I parceled myself out until...until how much is left? Not enough.

There's so much I can't get back. What do I do? Is there some way to grow anew? Or is this all that I'll ever be? This empty shell?

Marine, did I give you permission to bitch?

I try to keep a positive attitude. I try my ass off. (Okay, by the size of my ass it's obvious that isn't quite true, but work with me here.)

Stuff sucks right now. Not all stuff, but a lot of stuff.
* I'm dissatisfied with my living situation - I want more control over my own environment, more freedom to make my own choices.
* I have that slightly dizzy, foggy feeling caused by my meds. It could last for another six months. It's not dibilitating, but it's quite unpleasant.
* I miss my family, and every time our reunion plans get pushed back due to financial issues it's a little stab at my heart.
* I'm still in early recovery. I still struggle with spiritual issues, I still get cravings.
But still, I try to keep my head up.
And yes, sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose my patience, get frustrated, bitch and complain.

I had a little revelation last night about how bad my attitude has been considering how good I've been treated. I was explaining that to a coworker - what an asshole I've been and how badly I felt as a result.

Then I got a text from a "friend" at work about what a bad friend and bad Christian I am for complaining about people. Except the text wasn't directed at me; it was directed at another "friend" - someone with whom I thought I was very close.

It's not just this betrayal that hurts, it's everything I've been fighting against for a week or so. The sleepless nights, the bad dreams, the stress...I've been in tears all day.

I'm human. I'm just as flawed and fragile as anyone else. I try to keep a smile on my face, but sometimes I'm a bitch. But just because I'm not moping around all the time doesn't mean that I'm not hurting.

Swinging around so quickly it makes my head spin.

The good: I'm not dizzy anymore! Turns out, when I fell and hit my head last week, I knocked the crystals in my left ear out of place. I went home at noon and did the Epley maneuvers and POOF! Problem solved!

The bad: I want a hamster. Like I've said, I can't have my cat at home, so I only get to see him a couple hours a week. It would be so nice if I had a cuddly little buddy waiting for me when I get home.

Roommate says - ask the owner of the house.

Owner of the house says - no, hamsters smell.

Okay, hamsters don't smell. And even if they did, it's gonna be in a cage, in my room, affecting no one but me.

I'm almost 30 years old and this is how little control I have of my own life. I can't even get a freaking hamster.

Waxing poetical: "unchosen"

This is more song than poem, but here it is.

You see me on the corner
I don't meet your eyes
The cold sun silhouettes me
Do you realize?
I'm broken without you
And I'll always think about you.

It's so cold in my world
Since you let me go
And I'm lost in the dark
Oh but you'll never know
How you've stolen the light
That you taught me to shine so bright

And if you could go back
Would you do it again?
Would you build me a world
Just to let it all end?
Tell me how do you sleep
With the promise you didn't keep?

The indescribable sadness of a car with bench seats.

I spent 16 straight hours in bed yesterday. Just sleeping or lying there, not watching movies, not reading, not knitting, not gaming. Just...trying not to exist. I think it's a new record for me. I went to Wichita with dad to get my new car, and when I got home I simply crawled into bed and stayed there.

I know some of it is nerves about my cervical biopsy tomorrow. And to an extent, it's always going to be like this. It'll never just go away. I could go years testing okay just to have it come back out of the blue. The only way to be completely free of this means sacrificing my ability to have children, and I'm not ready to do that.

And the rest of it is just depression. The sorrow, the loneliness, the pain, the anger.

It will get better. I know it will. I will be okay. I know I will.

Someday.

Warning: uncaffeinated thoughts ahead.

I just woke up. Be afraid.

Occasionally, I find it difficult to be at home. I'm in that mode now. Yesterday, I had an adventurous trip to Wichita followed by an evening with my "family" here in Hesston. It was amazing and I felt fantastic - very much my usual self.

I woke up this morning feeling lonely. This is strange. I never wake up lonely. I'm not remotely a morning person. One of the problems with the last guy I dated was not that he wanted to spend the night, but that he wanted to still be here when I got up.

I blame the transitionary state of my life. (Thank you firefox, I see "transitionary" is not a word. I'm using it anyway.) I'm in the process of losing loved ones. I suck at it. For a brief period I was able to cherish the extra time, but now it feels like I'm living with bated breath and I keep thinking "When I die, I hope it's sudden so my loved ones don't suffer like this."

Starting my own business has me thinking about the future, and it's making me dizzy. I can't stay here forever. This town, this job - I feel like they're just waiting for me to outgrow them. I'm terrified that I'm getting too comfortable here, that I'm forgetting that I can't live like this forever. It's difficult to imagine leaving when I've spent the best part of my life here.

At the risk of being cliché, I was born here. Rather, reborn. Everything I have become is the product of the experiences I've had in this little town. Which means I'll have to grow up all over again when I leave.

Behold my lack of coherency.