I ask not for a lighter burden, but for stronger shoulders.

I feel so powerless lately!

I MISS MY CAR. My mom's car got repo'd Wednesday morning. Since I only work 15 minutes north of home but she works 45 minutes south of home, it's easier for me to catch a ride with someone than it is for her, so she takes my car. I no longer have the freedom to come and go as I please, my schedule is dictated by the people around me. And none of it is my fault! My mom never helped me get a car or let me drive hers - which is why I didn't learn to drive till I was 24. But now I am stuck paying the price for her bad decisions. It makes me SO ANGRY.

There are things in my future over which I have no control, and we're encountering stalls and setbacks at every turn. Every day that something else gets in the way of our plans, I just break down entirely. I want to have faith but it's so difficult!

I had another test Monday for my cervical dysplasia, and this is the worst part - waiting for the results. I'm trying to be positive - after all, the news last time was good - but the worst-case-scenario voice in my head won't shut up.

And while I was with my doctor, I talked to her about getting off the Prozac. It's definitely taken care of my depression - that cold, hollow feeling is gone, has been for a while - but since I've been on it I've been so much worse. Since I've been on it I've crossed the line between not wanting to live and flat out wanting to die. I think it's better for me and those closest to me if I quit taking it! So now I have to wait for it to work its way out of my system and hope that when it does, I'll go back to normal.

My weight is OUT OF CONTROL. This is the biggest I've ever been. But all the stress and the anger and the worry and the frustration are exhausting; I'm tired ALL THE TIME, I don't sleep well at night. So not only can I not find the strength to work out, but I'm drinking a ton more soda trying to stay awake at work!

But I'm not totally powerless. This weekend at some point I'm going to buy the stuff so I can have a salad for lunch every day and healthy snacks instead of junk. And I'm working on my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - I have a few apps on my phone for it, plus I signed up for an account at Mood Gym.

The say that sometimes God calms the storm, and other times he lets the storm rage and calms the child instead. I can handle that. I'm looking forward to a little calm this weekend.

Mother's Day.

It IS a happy Mother's Day for me. In a few hours, my own mother will be home, and we will have steak and salad for dinner and I'll give her a pedicure while she watches whatever she wants on her new cable TV. I am lucky - to have a mother, to have a mother who loves me, to have a mother who loves me close enough by that I can show her my appreciation with more than just a card or a call.

But not everyone will have a happy Mother's Day, and the lack of sensitivity to this frustrates me.

Valentine's Day gets all the attention. Renamed "Singles Awareness Day," billions of lonely people get to bitch about V-Day and draw faint vapours of guilt from happy couples around them.

What about today? What about the unspoken millions who never knew their mothers, or whose mothers were, for any number of reasons, undeserving of honour and celebration? Or the women who have yet to become mothers, despite an intense longing to do so? Or the women whose children were conceived but never born, putting them in a limbo state between motherhood and not?

As a tragic overthinker, I can find happiness and heartbreak in every situation.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty. I, myself, am choosing to focus on the celebration of today, and not on the lingering shadows in my heart. But, as we lift the mothers of the world up to God in prayer today, let us also ask for peace and comfort to touch the hearts of those who can't fully celebrate today.

Alchemy, sorcery, and everyday magic.

Okay, so I can't quite turn lead into gold, control the weather, or transform into an animal. But then, I never tried to do any of those things.

I can, however, extract joy from darkness, spread sunshine on the dullest day, and find contentment in the simplest pleasures.

I can hear the wind sing of my loveliness. I can look at a coin and see a rose. I can find God in the strangest places.

I can't see the future, but I'm learning to stop looking. No good will ever come from wasting today worrying about a tomorrow that's 48 hours from being yesterday.

I can spend each moment at work on my heart, so that when I arrive at my unforseen destination, I will be ready for it.

And I can thank God that my destiny isn't limited to the scope of my finite mind.

"No reason is needed for loving."

This is the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. Because I finally understand love. I finally get it.

First, I had to grasp the unconditional love of the Maker. I had to see how much He loves me.

And in doing that, I learned to truly love myself.

It was that leap that enabled me to see the Soul of the World. And it is beautiful. Because it is love.

Life is a beautiful puzzle. We're all just pieces. Puzzle pieces don't choose their place; they are destined for it.

The people in my life, the ones who love me and who are loved by me, are a part of my own puzzle, and as a result, are a part of the puzzle of every person beloved of me, even those they have never and will never know.

Isn't that beautiful?

I am in love today. In love with myself, in love with the Lord, in love with the puzzle of life.

Love is beautiful. Even the love that hurts. The opportunity and capability to feel someone's pain to the point that it becomes my own is a blessing.

I feel like I'm in Jedi training. I'm learning to love without possession. In AA, they tell us that the only way to keep something is to give it away. In the same way, sometimes the only way to love someone is to let them go. Not necessarily to remove them from your life or yourself from theirs, but to accept that they will never be yours.

My greatest love will always be mine. Always, and never. Learning to accept the balance of those has enabled me to love him, myself, and God more than I ever thought possible. Our great romance was a fleeting moment, a moment that will always be ours and ours alone, a moment that left an indelible mark upon us both. Accepting that moment for what it is has brought me joy beyond measure. We will always be a part of one another, so long as I hold my heart high and love him unselfishly, the way I am meant to.

No evil can come from love. Heartbreak is not the result of love, it's the result of selfishness. Love unselfishly, but love carefully.

"Above all else, safeguard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

It isn't so bad now that all the supports have been steady.

I got pulled over Wednesday. My tags were six weeks expired. $125 ticket. Plus the registration cost, even though I may hopefully be getting a new car TOMORROW.

I fell Thursday morning. Went down flat on my back, hit my head. I've got a swollen, bruised place on my back, a bruised arm, and reverse whiplast from my head getting thrown backward. My neck is in agony - even breathing hurts.

I was overwhelmed this morning. Finally I wailed to Michelle, "WHY does this week have to be SO AWFUL? Haven't I had enough? Can't I catch a break?"

She calls it 'someone down there hates us' syndrome. It makes perfect sense to me. I'm finally in the hands of the Father, so my recent miseries and misfortunes are a last-ditch effort to steal my miracle, to turn me back to the dark side. WELL IT'S NOT WORKING. After Michelle and I had a little chat about that, I felt strong and triumphant.

Last night at bedtime I went to read a Psalm, and I opened my Bible to Psalm 51. It was exactly what I needed.

All things work for the good of those that love the Lord.

Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey.

I'm grounded.

* No dating.
* No staying out past 11 PM.
* No going out without telling Michelle where I'll be and with whom.
* Attend at least once a week a church of my choosing.

In addition to the groundation, I have an assignment. When Michelle was a little girl, her mother took a little notepad and wrote down all the prayers and Bible verses she felt a little girl needed to know as she grew up. So Michelle bought me a lovely new notebook, and handed me the notepad from her mother, and instructed me to copy those prayers and verses into my own notebook. (As an aside, the friend that I wrote about in my earliest entries, the dear woman who passed away on Father's Day, was Michelle's mother.) I can't articulate how deeply this has touched my heart.

In my early days of sobriety, I would wake with a feeling of serenity. Sometimes it would be gone within the hour, other times it would last the day. Now, I wake with my heart disquiet. I start the morning with an empty glass, and it is up to me to fill it with serenity as I move through my day. This is a better way; complacency did me no favors.

Today is four months sober for me. My first birthday that I don't get to celebrate in a meeting (after 3 months you have to wait for 6) and I'm relieved it's so. I couldn't celebrate there now. Not yet. Not while I'm so acutely feeling someone's absence.

So many people know the first verse of the Serenity Prayer, but the second verse is so important, so here's the whole enchilada.

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next."

Amen.

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.” - Lewis Carroll

I believe in miracles.

But I didn't understand them.

I thought that miracles were all beauty and joy, sweetness and light.

Silly girl.

Life tested me recently. Tested US. And we failed. We KNEW the right thing to do, but we hadn't the strength to do it.

God had to intervene. He had to do the right thing for us. And we have to suffer because of it. We must suffer because we didn't choose the easier, softer way. And it hurts God to make us suffer like this, but it was the only way. He had to do for us what we could not do for ourselves. Just as we were promised He would.

We will not regret the door. We will forgive one another, and we must forgive ourselves. God loves us even when we fail Him; he loves us even when we are weak. The Shepherd loves His lambs even when they hear His voice but don't come.

We can't drink. We must go to meetings. We must make things different, that they may get better.

I told you that you'd be my saving grace, and I was right. I just never imagined how rough the path to salvation would be. But I am grateful to you, my friend. Our road didn't take me where I thought it would, but it took me where I needed to go.

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas Edison

Total eclipse of the heart.

Who watched the eclipse last night?

I was not overly enthused about the notion of dragging my aching ass out of bed at 1:45 in the morning to go out into the cold. But - once in a lifetime! How could I pass that up for something so fleeting as sleep?

1:45 found me in my flannel pjs, with an extra pair of pants over, a hoodie, and my coat, out on the cold concrete with my roommate, faces turned to the sky as the moon turned a coppery red. We made cocoa and watched for almost an hour.

And at that moment all over the world, friends and strangers were under the same sky, faces turned upward, watching this same celestial event with the same awe and wonder.

In this, I see God.

Happy, joyous, and free.

90 days sober today!

I am overwhelmed with blessings.

So many friends who fill my life with joy, love, and laughter.
An amazing roommate who helps me almost daily with my faith.
A patient and loving Father who is all too happy to manage the life I failed so spectacular at managing myself.
A good job with some of the finest people I have ever known.
An incredible family, and we'll all be together again within a year!

For the first time in my life, I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay, so long as I trust myself to God's care.

"This is a day I'll feel good to be me."

The crap dance.

I recently read this on Simon Pegg's twitter:
"After Minnie's morning poop, she does this "burying it" dance with her back legs. I'm stood there with a bag, all like, 'I got this, dude.'"

And I realized that pretty much sums up my relationship with God.

All the kicking and dancing and struggling I do to deal with my shit is just me getting in God's way, and He's waiting there to take care of it.

And that's how I finished my third step on my 30 day birthday.

Which is good, because my sponsor wants me through four and five before I leave for Thanksgiving. Eep! But, by the grace of God, it shall be done.