I know I'm not easy but I thought I was worth it.

I'm difficult.

I hate hearing about your exes in any context.

I'l get upset if you mention that you find another girl - ANY other girl - attractive.

I need frequent reassurance.

It doesn't take much to hurt my feelings.

I get insanely jealous and possessive.

I require a lot of time and attention.


I don't like that these things are who I am. But they are. And loving me means loving those things too.

Marine, did I give you permission to bitch?

I try to keep a positive attitude. I try my ass off. (Okay, by the size of my ass it's obvious that isn't quite true, but work with me here.)

Stuff sucks right now. Not all stuff, but a lot of stuff.
* I'm dissatisfied with my living situation - I want more control over my own environment, more freedom to make my own choices.
* I have that slightly dizzy, foggy feeling caused by my meds. It could last for another six months. It's not dibilitating, but it's quite unpleasant.
* I miss my family, and every time our reunion plans get pushed back due to financial issues it's a little stab at my heart.
* I'm still in early recovery. I still struggle with spiritual issues, I still get cravings.
But still, I try to keep my head up.
And yes, sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose my patience, get frustrated, bitch and complain.

I had a little revelation last night about how bad my attitude has been considering how good I've been treated. I was explaining that to a coworker - what an asshole I've been and how badly I felt as a result.

Then I got a text from a "friend" at work about what a bad friend and bad Christian I am for complaining about people. Except the text wasn't directed at me; it was directed at another "friend" - someone with whom I thought I was very close.

It's not just this betrayal that hurts, it's everything I've been fighting against for a week or so. The sleepless nights, the bad dreams, the stress...I've been in tears all day.

I'm human. I'm just as flawed and fragile as anyone else. I try to keep a smile on my face, but sometimes I'm a bitch. But just because I'm not moping around all the time doesn't mean that I'm not hurting.

Swinging around so quickly it makes my head spin.

The good: I'm not dizzy anymore! Turns out, when I fell and hit my head last week, I knocked the crystals in my left ear out of place. I went home at noon and did the Epley maneuvers and POOF! Problem solved!

The bad: I want a hamster. Like I've said, I can't have my cat at home, so I only get to see him a couple hours a week. It would be so nice if I had a cuddly little buddy waiting for me when I get home.

Roommate says - ask the owner of the house.

Owner of the house says - no, hamsters smell.

Okay, hamsters don't smell. And even if they did, it's gonna be in a cage, in my room, affecting no one but me.

I'm almost 30 years old and this is how little control I have of my own life. I can't even get a freaking hamster.

Freefall.

My stomach hurts all the time, no matter how the rest of me feels. I know it's an ulcer (I'm prone to them at times of high stress, this is my third) but it's also that feeling you get on roller coasters, at that moment when gravity takes hold of your outards but hasn't quite reached your innards. That freefalling sensation. I get chest pains, too. Like right now. Tachycardia - rapid heart rate. And my hands shake. Sometimes a little, sometimes enough that I have trouble holding onto things.

This isn't life on the edge, it's life in the air. There's no balance, only the freefall. And I KNOW there's a net at the bottom to catch me. There always is. I will be okay, just as I've always been okay.

But I'm not okay yet, and that's taking its toll.

I'm still suffering from the loss of my beloved Cadence - a wound that will never heal properly due to lack of closure. A wound inflicted by a man I thought I could trust.

I still feel kind of homeless. I'm living in someone else's home, what few possessions I have with me in bags or boxes, the remainder still in a place I no longer feel comfortable.

My poor Twinkie doesn't know what to think. First abused, then kicked out with his sister, then back home without her, and now living alone in a garage, seeing me only once or twice a day.

And just Tuesday I received some very bad news, unrelated to all the chaos of the last two weeks, but of the "Oh shit, what am I going to do now?" variety.

These things will work themselves out. God is with me, as are my friends. I will be fine, as I always have been.

But Lord, I'm sick of falling.

What is wrong with people? Besides...y'know...a LOT.

A friend of mine took me to lunch Wednesday. We tried the new Mexican place in the next town over.

Our waiter invaded my personal space and pressed his arm against my breast a few times. After he walked away, my friend said "I can't believe he just did that." But because the ENTIRE staff was young and male, I didn't feel comfortable saying anything, so I didn't.

I did, however, tell my best friends. And they made jokes about it.

A man touched my body in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. How is that funny? Woulkd it be funny if it happened to them? Or their teenage daughters?