Thursday, June 28, 2012

I feel ugly when life is beautiful.

Last night I sort of stepped outside myself, took my hand, looked myself in the eyes, and said "Oh honey. Why did we let it get so bad?" Work was kind of rough yesterday, there's a lot of tension and some drama, I had a headache, and my left leg was just killing me. It seemed like every time I turned around I was getting snapped at or scolded for something. But none of that is what made me cry. What made me cry was the patient who was so nice to me. I am GOOD at being mistreated. I'm comfortable in the cycle of abuse. It feels normal to me. My relationship is so good that it's making me crazy. Every day that things don't fall apart, every day that he keeps treating me well, every day that life is so good...I just get more and more afraid. I search frantically for the catch. I brace myself for the storm that HAS to be coming, because everything is too calm. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself get so conditioned to bad situations that I can hardly cope with a good one.
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  1. MikeOddJune 28, 2012 at 11:30 PM

    I have to ask, "Do you feel as if you bring/let bad happen to you?" I feel that it goes in cycles sometimes. The cycles can become vicious at times... We help them along (in a bad way) how do we learn to stop them. (somehow)
    When I fell apart a few years ago in a ball of anxiety and depression, I was (way)over worked and did not know how to separate my self-worth from my work. If I was not being successful, my life was not successful. (In short, I felt I was failing everyone, to include myself.)

    I believe I have better perspective on things (to include myself)now, after a second major depression, for nearly the same reason, [in a different situation]. It was a matter of finding a healthy disconnection of me and my work, while keeping a strong work ethic and higher standard [than others] to work by.

    Relationship work is difficult still, as I am home with Nan only 2 days/nights a week. [Which is still better than .044 days/nights a week (averaging a little over two weeks a year in the last three years)].

    Ugh.

    I would like you to try to turn off the circuit that is telling you that you must be crazy to think that someone actually likes (loves) to be around you [in all your glorious imperfection]. Try to "re-frame" the thoughts to have a more positive light. Even if it feels a little 'phoney' at first. (i.e. "I am GOOD at beng mistreated" could become ,"I am tough enough to recognize when someone is trying to mistreat me."
    or
    "What made me cry was the person who was so nice to me." to "I was truly touched when a person showed true appreciation for me."

    See if you can do a little positive re-writing of the daily script (in and outside your head).

    Wishing you well, Cat.

    - B

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