I feel ugly when life is beautiful.

Last night I sort of stepped outside myself, took my hand, looked myself in the eyes, and said "Oh honey. Why did we let it get so bad?" Work was kind of rough yesterday, there's a lot of tension and some drama, I had a headache, and my left leg was just killing me. It seemed like every time I turned around I was getting snapped at or scolded for something. But none of that is what made me cry. What made me cry was the patient who was so nice to me. I am GOOD at being mistreated. I'm comfortable in the cycle of abuse. It feels normal to me. My relationship is so good that it's making me crazy. Every day that things don't fall apart, every day that he keeps treating me well, every day that life is so good...I just get more and more afraid. I search frantically for the catch. I brace myself for the storm that HAS to be coming, because everything is too calm. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself get so conditioned to bad situations that I can hardly cope with a good one.