Stop the wagon, I'm getting off.

I've decided to drink.

I don't think it's a relapse. It's not a matter of "OMG life sucks I can't take it I need a drink!" I don't NEED a drink. Hell, I don't even want one right now.

What I want is certainty.

I wasn't what they call a "low-bottom drunk" when I quit. I didn't lose a job, or a spouse, or get sent to rehab.

I quit drinking because I could not picture my life without alcohol. This is no longer so. I haven't had a drink in ten months. I can do it.

But do I have to? I grow weary of being the only sober person at the party. Of the sheepish looks and awkward silences that follow harmless slips of the tongue from normal drinkers. If that's the way it has to be, then so be it. But what if that ISN'T the way it has to be?

I had a very bad year last year. No support system, no healthy coping mechanisms, no belief in myself or my future. I knew I was out of control, I just didn't care.

I'm not that girl anymore. I know who I am, and more importantly, who I want to be. I want to continue to grow as a person, to keep strengthening my relationship with God, to work toward my as-yet-undiscovered Personal Legend.

And I can no longer say with any degree of certainty that I must abstain from alcohol to do that. I can no longer say "I'm an alcoholic" and know it's true.

The Big Book says, if you're not sure you're an alcoholic, try some controlled drinking. So, that's what I intend to do. I'm not running back to the bottle or anything. But, the next time I'm in a social drinking situation, if I feel like it, I'll have a drink. My sponsor is on board. He says that the fact that I decided yesterday morning to try again, yet I haven't had a drink yet, is a good sign. He will be there for me whether I succeed or fail, and he will love me no matter what.

Maybe I'll discover that I CAN be a social drinker; that I'm not an alcoholic, I was just lost. Or, maybe I'll discover that I still can't have just one, that when I take that first drink I still lose all control. If so, then I'll go back to AA. But at least I'll know for sure.

We all shine like stars.

I need to start writing again. Not just here, but working on my dozen or so unfinished works of fiction. God gave us gifts with the expectation that we would share them with the world.

We owe it to our Maker to be our very best, to shine. I've been failing miserably at that lately.

Relationships are hard. They come packaged with a laundry list of worries we don't have when we're single, especially when we're single and NOT looking. A month ago, I was happy and comfortable with who I was, no need to compare myself to others, no sense of competition - I was good at being me. And now here I am, feeling like I'm in a constant battle to prove my worth over every other woman around, comparing myself to them - and losing - feeling like every word, every move, every look is a competition to hang onto what's already mine.

Now I look in the mirror and realize that there's very little left of the woman he fell in love with. I have lost her to my insecurities.

I for one will not stand for this. I often say that I'm not so afraid of losing something as to not try to have it; nor will I be so afraid of losing something that my fear will cost me that thing.

I don't have to be the prettiest. Or the smartest, or the funniest. Because I'm the best at being me. And being me is what he loves about me.