I believe that no matter what you see, underneath, there's a beautiful new me.

My wieght has become a topic of debate lately.

Specifically, I get yelled at for referring to myself as chubby.

Let's be clear here: I weigh about 145 pounds. That's down ten from my all-time high this past spring, but still almost 20 from my pre-Kansas weight of 117.

I'd like to lose another ten pounds. But I'm not obsessed with it. Hell, I'm not even working at it at the moment. I had pizza and Mt Dew for lunch.

When I was skinny, it was effortless. I ate a junk food diet and never exercised. Once I gained, I discovered that eating right and working my butt off only got me so far. Probably why I wimped out of that routine.

But y'know what? I've NEVER been so comfortable with my body as I am now. I'm guessing it's because I've grown up a lot in the time that I was also filling out. I appreciate my own beauty, extra baggage or no. I still intend to lose these extra ten pounds and fit back into some of my skinnier clothes, but until then...I'm rocking what I've got.

Listen, all of y'all, it's a sabotage.

This time, we both agreed I'm the right girl; part of him just thinks it's the wrong time. All of me and part of him tried to point out the mistake he's making, but you know how it is - we all have to learn the hard way.

I left Wichita around 1 AM and knew I stood no chance at sleep. I decided it was a good night for a walk and a good chance to get some closure, since I'd just dreamed about Matt again the night before. I went home and got his necklace, then headed back to Newton to throw it in the river. Robert ended up joining me and Randy met us there.

Part of it turned into an epic adventure. We hit the McDonald's drive-thru on foot - and they let us! While we were standing around waiting, a car pulled up with Beastie Boys blaring out the windows. What could I do but dance???

Food consumed, we headed back to the riverwalk and ultimately to the car. But long before we reached the car, something ridiculous and unexpected happened.

Matt texted me.

He was "feeling kinda down" and wanted some company. And I'm a sucker. So the boys and I parted ways and I drove out to the country to aqcuire my very drunk ex-boyfriend and take him back to the river with me.

It was strange, but not entirely unpleasant. We talked about a lot of things, even about our failed relationship a little. He insisted I hang out at his house when I took him home - he played some bass and sang a couple songs he'd written. Finally I had to go home before I fell asleep on his couch.

Less than three hours of sleep later, and still in my Friday Night Clothes, I went to work. God bless energy drinks.

Why is my life so bizarre?

What is wrong with people? Besides...y'know...a LOT.

A friend of mine took me to lunch Wednesday. We tried the new Mexican place in the next town over.

Our waiter invaded my personal space and pressed his arm against my breast a few times. After he walked away, my friend said "I can't believe he just did that." But because the ENTIRE staff was young and male, I didn't feel comfortable saying anything, so I didn't.

I did, however, tell my best friends. And they made jokes about it.

A man touched my body in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. How is that funny? Woulkd it be funny if it happened to them? Or their teenage daughters?

I'm a leaf on the wind.

I used to be consumed by envy and longing.

You know how it is. You see a happy couple or even a group of friends and you bitterly think "Why can't that be me?"

When I go to the park I usually spread my blanket out in a big circle of trees. There's gaps in the trees and picnic tables scattered through the grass; there's a good view of the park but also a sense of seclusion and solitude.

On Wednesday, a young couple had pulled one of the picnic tables into the shelter of the trees and hid there behind low-hanging branches. Through one of the breaks in the treeline I could see a group of teenagers playing frisbee. Through another, parents and children on the playground.

I felt blessed.

In a world with so much ugliness, I had the privilege of witnessing these moments of beauty. And perhaps someone was witnessing my own moment of beauty, stretched out on my blanket, savoring the sun and my book.

We quest for love. We yearn for it, thirst for it. We long to be part of something beautiful.

We ARE part of something beautiful. Look at the people around you. I look at my incredible sister, my friends, my beautiful nieces. All the people who bless my life. I'm a part of them, just as they're a part of me. What's more beautiful than that?

It's cool, I'm taking it back.

Yesterday was the perfect day to lay in the sun and read a book, so I did exactly that.

It was the first time I'd been to that park since Matt broke up with me there.

"You ruined this place for me," he had said; "I won't even be able to drive by here anymore." But he moved away. Hours away, where he doesn't have to cross the river and remember all the time we spent walking along it together.

People constantly move the picnic benches around at the park, so I'll never be sure which one is the one. The one where he sang "Love Hurts (but sometimes it's a good hurt)," the one where he held me tight and made me promise not to cry, the one where he kissed me goodbye and I saw the look in his eyes and realized it was hurting him too.

I'm going to throw the necklace into the river. Maybe it'll keep me from dreaming about him again.

I'm alright. I really am.

Y'know what they say about plans, eh?

We broke up. It happens. He just wasn't as into me as I was to him. Eventually we'll be friends. In the meantime, I made two amazing new friends through him. Everything happens for a reason.

I moved in with a really good friend of mine...next door. Physically, I didn't go far, but it's a huge change. For one thing, everything from my spacious bedroom and modest living room at my old place is now crammed in my small bedroom. For another, I'm sharing my space with another person again, after more than a year on my own.

And y'know what? It's pretty cool. We're both saving a bunch of money, and I'm so lucky to have someone I can trust this much. Not to mention someone willing to put up with my kittens.

Humans are naturally social creatures, and as much as I loved being on my own, it's kinda nice to have someone to share leftover cake with, too.

Speaking of cake, my birthday was awesome.

Life is sweet.