Little Love Story #2: "The Great Outdoors"

Once upon a time, a little boy of almost three was out with his mom when they saw - and smelled - the remains of a roadkill skunk. "He can't walk anymore?" the boy asked, too young to understand death. His mother explained to him that no, the skunk had been hit by a car and it was game over, and that's why the boy had to stay off the road, so he didn't get hit by a car. The boy looked from his mom, to the skunk, then back to his mom. "If he didn't stink," the boy inquired, "could I fix him with my love?"
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What a girl wants.

In my time off from dating, I've been thinking about how prone I am to settling for less than I want. Any port in a storm, eh? Someday I will date again, and if I jump into that melee without a clear concept of what I'm looking for, I will surely find naught but failure and disappointment.

That being said, I'm making a hard and fast list of things I positively require in a future partner. No more settling for this girl. If I can't find someone who meets my needs, I'm better off alone.

* Sense of humor. This is a must. Anything you can't laugh at can kill you. I don't take life too seriously, nor could I be happy with anyone who does.

* Intelligence. I like to have worthwhile conversations, not on rare occasions, but frequently.

* Open-mindedness. Those worthwhile conversations are occasionally about the zombie apocalypse, religion, aliens, predestination, omens, and other things that overly-practical people don't get.

* Spirituality. My faith is very important to me and I need someone I can share that with. I don't necessarily need to pray before every meal or anything, but I want someone I can pray with when times are tough.

* Commitment to personal growth. I strive to be constantly learning and growing, and if my partner isn't growing with me, I will outgrow the relationship.

* Geekiness. It's not just about being a gamer, either. It's about being able to use "teh" and "lol" and "fail" and "win" in everyday conversation. It's about debating the ins and outs of surviving the zombie apocalypse. Nerd stuff like that.

* Energy. I'm a very animated person. I'm loud. I'm talkative. I'm hyperactive. I need someone who's on my level, who can compete with me, otherwise I'm too much and they're not enough. Goofing around is what keeps me sane, and I need someone who will not just tolerate me making an ass of myself in the name of fun, but who will be right there with me.

* Patience. I'm bright, but I'm also derpy and inept. I need someone who won't blow up at me when I lock my keys in my car for the third time in a month, or when I inadvertently start a small kitchen fire, or when I back over the garbage can.

* Compassion. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who never consider the wants and needs of others. It's not just about how they treat ME, it's about how they treat everyone they come in contact with. Kindness is the best tool we have to make the world a better place.

Little off-guard and unprepared.

I am so disappointed in myself.

No, I didn't relapse. But it was a near miss. I had a chance, and I wanted to take it. By the grace of God and the help of two very dear friends, I survived.

I just...I crashed this weekend. It didn't matter that life is pretty good. I just have so much going on, I felt so many things at once, that I completely overloaded. Total meltdown. Friday night I hated myself so much that I just wanted to get drunk and total my car. A phone call from a friend kept me from accepting the very appealing invitation I had just recieved to split a 30-pack of Budweiser with an old friend. But I wasn't fixed. It was just the eye of the storm.

Saturday I spent most of the evening lost in my own morbid pursuits until I decided I was no good to anybody and I may as well go to a meeting. I went, but for the first time since I sobered up, I didn't WANT to be there. I would rather have been dead, or at least drunk.

After the meeting, I texted my recovery battle bro. "It's over. I'm done. Today I sat in a meeting and realized I'd rather be drunk."

I need to never forget that phone call. When I answered the phone, he asked "Did you already start?" The sad, defeated tone in his voice...I'm so ashamed to have made anyone feel that way, much less someone I care about so much. But I was determined to give up. I had an answer for every question, a retort for every bit of wisdom he tried to impart. It came down to a simple plea. "Please don't hurt my friend anymore."

I spent 27 years fucking up. I don't know why I thought I could get better in a matter of months. Especially when I fucked up in new and exciting ways AFTER I sobered up. And as an added bonus, I fucked up a very important friendship over the weekend. I'm like the anti-Charlie Sheen. All I do is fail. And I've never done coke or partied with hookers. And I'm probably full of kitten blood.

But giving up isn't gonna fix anything. I must soldier on. No matter how undeserving I think I am, the fact is that people DO care about me, and I owe it to them to keep trying.

I'm trying a "vow of silence" type thing for a little while. Less talking, more listening. I'm trying to only talk when I have to, I'm not going to share at meetings for a while, I'm going to get in touch with my own stillness. But blogging and social media are exempt, because I'm just talking, not expecting anyone to listen or hear.

“Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying.”

For the record, I'm not a fan of April Fool's Day. It preys upon my sweet and trusting heart. But I did tell my sister I was pregnant last year. I still feel like an ass.

Life is good today. The sun is shining. There's colour to the sky for pretty much the first time this week. I "trained" the new girl this morning - except she's pretty much got it already. We got a catered lunch today. I'm a week away from seeing the kids, from bringing Mama home to start a new life here. I am sober, I am growing, I am lovely. My future feels bright and full of promise. My heart is so full it aches.

"The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love." - Paulo Coelho

Little Love Story #1: "Skinny Jeans"

Once upon a time, a sad, slightly inebriated girl wandered around downtown Seattle. She felt as if she were lost in the crowd, not just because she'd gotten separated from her friends, but also because the subtle, insidious voice of depression whispered "No one knows you're gone. Just go back to the hotel, call it an early night. No one will miss you," until she started to believe it. Just as she decided to try and find her way back to her room, her phone rang. Someone did know that she was gone; someone did miss her. The voice guided her back toward where her friends were waiting. She was almost there when the boy to whom the voice belonged came around the corner. He swept her into a hug, held her close, and said "We're not gonna be sad. We're gonna have fun." And that is precisely what they did.

Still alive!

I've been neglecting this thing, half because I've been busy, and half because when I have time to write I'm so tired I know I won't write anything worthwhile. And today is no exception. Three days in a row I stayed up till 2 AM. Last night I conked out before midnight, only to be plagued by bad dreams. I guess I'm doomed to exhaustion.

I fly out to Phoenix next Friday to drive back with mama. I'm so excited!!! And stressed, because I have a week to find us a place to live. Doesn't help that my computer is out of commission, or that I've been crazy busy with other things to boot, or that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I've decided to expand this thing beyond just my random ramblings by setting some halfassed goals. My first goal: Little Love Stories. Each week, I'll try and post a very short story about love, partly because I think all too often love gets overlooked, overshadowed by the chaos of life, and also because I want to give examples of how love is in the little things. Some of them will be true, some of them will be (probably obviously) autobiographical, but not all of them will be either of those.

Alchemy, sorcery, and everyday magic.

Okay, so I can't quite turn lead into gold, control the weather, or transform into an animal. But then, I never tried to do any of those things.

I can, however, extract joy from darkness, spread sunshine on the dullest day, and find contentment in the simplest pleasures.

I can hear the wind sing of my loveliness. I can look at a coin and see a rose. I can find God in the strangest places.

I can't see the future, but I'm learning to stop looking. No good will ever come from wasting today worrying about a tomorrow that's 48 hours from being yesterday.

I can spend each moment at work on my heart, so that when I arrive at my unforseen destination, I will be ready for it.

And I can thank God that my destiny isn't limited to the scope of my finite mind.