Little off-guard and unprepared.

I am so disappointed in myself.

No, I didn't relapse. But it was a near miss. I had a chance, and I wanted to take it. By the grace of God and the help of two very dear friends, I survived.

I just...I crashed this weekend. It didn't matter that life is pretty good. I just have so much going on, I felt so many things at once, that I completely overloaded. Total meltdown. Friday night I hated myself so much that I just wanted to get drunk and total my car. A phone call from a friend kept me from accepting the very appealing invitation I had just recieved to split a 30-pack of Budweiser with an old friend. But I wasn't fixed. It was just the eye of the storm.

Saturday I spent most of the evening lost in my own morbid pursuits until I decided I was no good to anybody and I may as well go to a meeting. I went, but for the first time since I sobered up, I didn't WANT to be there. I would rather have been dead, or at least drunk.

After the meeting, I texted my recovery battle bro. "It's over. I'm done. Today I sat in a meeting and realized I'd rather be drunk."

I need to never forget that phone call. When I answered the phone, he asked "Did you already start?" The sad, defeated tone in his voice...I'm so ashamed to have made anyone feel that way, much less someone I care about so much. But I was determined to give up. I had an answer for every question, a retort for every bit of wisdom he tried to impart. It came down to a simple plea. "Please don't hurt my friend anymore."

I spent 27 years fucking up. I don't know why I thought I could get better in a matter of months. Especially when I fucked up in new and exciting ways AFTER I sobered up. And as an added bonus, I fucked up a very important friendship over the weekend. I'm like the anti-Charlie Sheen. All I do is fail. And I've never done coke or partied with hookers. And I'm probably full of kitten blood.

But giving up isn't gonna fix anything. I must soldier on. No matter how undeserving I think I am, the fact is that people DO care about me, and I owe it to them to keep trying.

I'm trying a "vow of silence" type thing for a little while. Less talking, more listening. I'm trying to only talk when I have to, I'm not going to share at meetings for a while, I'm going to get in touch with my own stillness. But blogging and social media are exempt, because I'm just talking, not expecting anyone to listen or hear.