Feeding the wolves.

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me...it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too", he added.

The Grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."

Let's be honest - we know which wolf we usually feed. We feed the one that growls the loudest, the one that snaps at our hands. We feed it to keep it at bay while the other wolf quietly starves, trying to live off leftovers and table scraps.

We give the best of ourselves to the lesser part of our nature until it devours us. We cheat ourselves and everyone around us.

Oddly enough, this is the song that came on while I was typing this:
"We are the ones who lost our faith. We dug ourselves an early grave. We are the dead, can we be saved?"

I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sounds.

How can someone, in a week and a half's time, learn more about me than I know about myself?

It makes sense when I think about it. That's what dating is about - scrutinizing the other person, learning about not just what they show you but what lies around the corner from those things. And he's perceptive - it's one of the things I dig about him.

He pointed out that most of my friends are older, and he felt that it influences me too much, that I let it make me feel older than I am and consequently worry about dating a guy two years younger than me.

I called bullshit. If I act older than I am, it's because I had to grow up fast. And if I'm worried about dating a younger guy, it's probably because my ex-husband was younger.

But I realized he's right.

I've been SO consumed with wanting "a future" with a husband and kids. Since when??? When I got married I NEVER intended to have kids. But when the maternal instincts really started kicking in - for a variety of reasons - I let it run way too deeply. After all, I'm almost 27, I'm SUPPOSED to want to be a wife and mother, right?

Don't get me wrong, I still do. But I don't want those things NOW! I love having my own time, my own space, my freedom. I've been so focused on this future that I forgot how much I love the present.

I've been chasing things beyond my control. There's too many factors involved in this future that I can't influence, when what I can influence is ME. And no matter how much I want a family of my own, what I want more than anything is to NEVER SETTLE for less than what I want.

So now, I have this guy, and he's amazing. At first glance he seems to meet none of the standards I set. He's younger than me, he's reckless, he's wild. But he challenges me. And he gets me. And I love the way I feel when I'm with him.

So I'm throwing caution to the wind. I can continue the exhausting chase for this elusive future, or I can run with the good things I have right now. I think I'd be a fool if I didn't choose the latter.

Not my proudest of moments.

I drank on an empty stomach last night. Yeah, I know - I know better than that. I wasn't all that hungry and it was one of those moments when life seemed to be happening too fast to worry about stuff like food. Some of it was funny. Some of it wasn't.

I got hit with firecracker shrapnel. So, secret achievement unlocked?

I went on my first Harley ride! After swearing so emphatically for all these years that while I love to look I'd never touch, I did it. And it was awesome. And the whole time I was thinking "Dad's gonna be so pissed."

At some point - a very hazy point - I decided I needed to talk to my sister. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing when the idea struck but I grabbed my phone and took off down the road. Barefoot. And I was crying and rambling and more of a mess than she should have to deal with - but I said so many things I hadn't been able to until then and I'm glad I did.

I learned things about myself I didn't really want to know. But, knowledge is power and I'm glad to have it. Now the question is, what will I do with this knowledge? I have choices to make - about the life I have, the life I want, about who I am and who I want to be.

Narcolepsy wins.

I wanted to do some DIY-therapy today. It's been too long since I've put my hands to work. I have a few pieces of wood waiting for inspiration and woodburning to strike, a few blank canvases, and among other things, a sack full of leather scraps with no purpose as of yet.

Of course, the house needs cleaning, too. And I have a month to organize/downsize before I give up my place and move into my buddy's spare bedroom.

AND I've really wanted to play through Mass Effect and Fallout 3 again.

But...it's not too hot out, and it's not very humid, and there's a great breeze blowing...so I'm thinking nap in the park.

"And every night I miss you I can just look up and know the stars are holding you tonight."

It's over.

She passed away early Father's Day morning.

It's a blessing. She's no longer in pain.

I keep thinking about Simba. Maybe because he was honestly the closest "person" I've ever lost, maybe because his diagnosis came not long after hers, maybe because I'm crazy. Who knows.

At any rate, I remember the worst days with him, before his rally. Watching him suffer, wondering why it had to be that way, but not having the strength to have him put down. I remember the nights I laid in bed crying and praying, "Please God, just let it be over."

I'm grateful she doesn't have to suffer any longer.

Today, the world is a darker place. I will learn to shine my light that much brighter to compensate. I believe I can do it, because she would have believed I could do it. She brought so much warmth and peace and joy to the people around her, just by being. I want to do that. I want to be that person.

Vicariosity.

My friend M told me she's living vicariously through me.

I laughed, but I guess I get it. I go on dates - hell, I get ASKED on dates. It's new and awesome for me too. I go on adventures, I drink, I suffer hilarious misfortunes and make hilarious mistakes. I dated a French guy, then went through the most absurdly romantic breakup ever. I had three guys profess varying degrees of love for me IN ONE DAY. Not gonna lie, my life has an awesomeness to it.

But M? M has a husband and two girls. Her oldest is shy, quiet - so much that if you can make her crack a smile it's like winning the lottery. Her youngest is five and hilarious in that way we forget how to be as we get older. She tells stories about horses on toilets and she can knock the wind out of you with a hug.

J has a husband a teen, and an almost-teen. They're beautiful and funny and melodramatic - red-headed chaos incarnate, x2. The oldest is dating now - every day is a potential roller coaster, where the highs are a joy to behold and the lows break your heart. The youngest isn't quite there yet, she's still random and wild and silly. She always has a comeback and it usually makes you laugh til you cry.

R's husband can play the dulcimer. Her oldest is a girl and she's teaching herself Greek, Hebrew, and Arabic. Her middle son can communicate with fireflies with a flashlight and wants a pickaxe in case a tornado traps the family in the basement. Her youngest made a jetpack for a stuffed hummingbird.

Who's living vicariously here?

I think I'm seeing this guy. He said life is over by the time you're 33, when you're married and you have kids. Now I see the appeal in drinking til 3 AM, sleeping half the day, doing whatever sounds good at the moment. But there's more to life than that.

Jailbreak.

I pride myself on my open, trusting heart. Despite the number of people who have tried their best to destroy the beauty at the heart of me, I keep on loving, keep on trusting. It feels like triumph.

It also sucks. Twice in the last month, someone I care very deeply for has all but withdrawn from my life. It's wearing on me. Break my heart. Crush me decisively. Don't fade away, leaving me with the hope that you'll someday return.

I live to connect with people. But lately it seems that the stronger the connection, the more likely they are to disconnect. Is it me? How am I getting in so deep when the other person can't possibly be, since they find it so easy to bail on me?

Or is my optimism correct? Are they simply cowards, not comfortable with connecting this deeply?