How can someone, in a week and a half's time, learn more about me than I know about myself?
It makes sense when I think about it. That's what dating is about - scrutinizing the other person, learning about not just what they show you but what lies around the corner from those things. And he's perceptive - it's one of the things I dig about him.
He pointed out that most of my friends are older, and he felt that it influences me too much, that I let it make me feel older than I am and consequently worry about dating a guy two years younger than me.
I called bullshit. If I act older than I am, it's because I had to grow up fast. And if I'm worried about dating a younger guy, it's probably because my ex-husband was younger.
But I realized he's right.
I've been SO consumed with wanting "a future" with a husband and kids. Since when??? When I got married I NEVER intended to have kids. But when the maternal instincts really started kicking in - for a variety of reasons - I let it run way too deeply. After all, I'm almost 27, I'm SUPPOSED to want to be a wife and mother, right?
Don't get me wrong, I still do. But I don't want those things NOW! I love having my own time, my own space, my freedom. I've been so focused on this future that I forgot how much I love the present.
I've been chasing things beyond my control. There's too many factors involved in this future that I can't influence, when what I can influence is ME. And no matter how much I want a family of my own, what I want more than anything is to NEVER SETTLE for less than what I want.
So now, I have this guy, and he's amazing. At first glance he seems to meet none of the standards I set. He's younger than me, he's reckless, he's wild. But he challenges me. And he gets me. And I love the way I feel when I'm with him.
So I'm throwing caution to the wind. I can continue the exhausting chase for this elusive future, or I can run with the good things I have right now. I think I'd be a fool if I didn't choose the latter.
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