"We all falter...but it doesn't matter."

You expect your parents to be mighty and infallible. They've been entrusted with all that you are and ever will be, and you NEED them not to fail.

But they fail anyhow, because they're only human. Inevitably, they do. Even the best parents with the best intentions, at one time or another, will err in their judgement and you will be wounded as a result. They'll be too harsh, or too lenient. Smothering, or inattentive. Too trusting, or too suspiscious. Whatever the circumstances, there comes a time in every child's life when they suffer because their parents made a wrong decision.

As a daughter, it was so hard to bear scars that could have been prevented had my mother only done something differently. It was a grudge I carried for years. I thought that the hardest part of growing up was forgiving your parents for all the ways they failed you.

No. The hardest part comes much later, when you have children of your own, and despite your best efforts, you fail them. The hardest part is forgiving yourself.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise” - Alden Nowlan

"To be half of a whole?"

I am so lost, so broken, so alone.

One of the ladies at the women's meeting told me I needed to go through the stages of grief. I thought she was talking about Cadence. And maybe she was.

But it's not my cat that I need to grieve for. Or my last disastrous relationship.

It's me.

I'm what I've lost. I'm what I need to grieve for. I have to learn how to live when so much of me is dead.

I killed myself. A little bit at a time. I parceled myself out until...until how much is left? Not enough.

There's so much I can't get back. What do I do? Is there some way to grow anew? Or is this all that I'll ever be? This empty shell?

Marine, did I give you permission to bitch?

I try to keep a positive attitude. I try my ass off. (Okay, by the size of my ass it's obvious that isn't quite true, but work with me here.)

Stuff sucks right now. Not all stuff, but a lot of stuff.
* I'm dissatisfied with my living situation - I want more control over my own environment, more freedom to make my own choices.
* I have that slightly dizzy, foggy feeling caused by my meds. It could last for another six months. It's not dibilitating, but it's quite unpleasant.
* I miss my family, and every time our reunion plans get pushed back due to financial issues it's a little stab at my heart.
* I'm still in early recovery. I still struggle with spiritual issues, I still get cravings.
But still, I try to keep my head up.
And yes, sometimes I fail. Sometimes I lose my patience, get frustrated, bitch and complain.

I had a little revelation last night about how bad my attitude has been considering how good I've been treated. I was explaining that to a coworker - what an asshole I've been and how badly I felt as a result.

Then I got a text from a "friend" at work about what a bad friend and bad Christian I am for complaining about people. Except the text wasn't directed at me; it was directed at another "friend" - someone with whom I thought I was very close.

It's not just this betrayal that hurts, it's everything I've been fighting against for a week or so. The sleepless nights, the bad dreams, the stress...I've been in tears all day.

I'm human. I'm just as flawed and fragile as anyone else. I try to keep a smile on my face, but sometimes I'm a bitch. But just because I'm not moping around all the time doesn't mean that I'm not hurting.

It feels like a win to me.

I want a drink.

The craving hit around 6:30 this morning. I asked my body "When did you EVER get booze before 7 AM???" (Ridiculous sidenote: I've started talking to myself in a British accent. Just for the lulz.)

Honestly? It doesn't bother me. "This too shall pass." I know damn well I'm not gonna drink. It's not as if I ever believed that the cravings would go away entirely. The important thing is that it's not gonna beat me.

Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I cry, sometimes I lose my way at night, sometimes I stumble, sometimes I fall, but I'm never gonna throw away it all.

Being a great big dork is what I love most about myself.

Stuff is happening. Good stuff. Changes for the better. I dig it.

I laughed more between 8 last night and 9 this morning than most people do all week. I have the most incredible and hilarious friends. When I am overwhelmed by life's myriad frustrations, they either help me find the lighter side, or they distract me entirely. They save me from my sorrow before it can swallow me whole. And I become a better person as a result.

I am zombie-tired today. I can barely comprehend human speech. I can't wait to sleep...in 7 hours...when my day is over...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Swinging around so quickly it makes my head spin.

The good: I'm not dizzy anymore! Turns out, when I fell and hit my head last week, I knocked the crystals in my left ear out of place. I went home at noon and did the Epley maneuvers and POOF! Problem solved!

The bad: I want a hamster. Like I've said, I can't have my cat at home, so I only get to see him a couple hours a week. It would be so nice if I had a cuddly little buddy waiting for me when I get home.

Roommate says - ask the owner of the house.

Owner of the house says - no, hamsters smell.

Okay, hamsters don't smell. And even if they did, it's gonna be in a cage, in my room, affecting no one but me.

I'm almost 30 years old and this is how little control I have of my own life. I can't even get a freaking hamster.

It never goes smooth.

I'm getting off the meds, which is probably why I'm so dizzy I can hardly stand, why it feels like my brain keeps inflating like a balloon. I'll see the doctor again, but I have a hunch I just have to ride it out. I KNEW that it would get worse before it gets better. And I'm getting better at distinquishing between dreams and reality. I just wish I knew for sure what's wrong with me.

Otherwise...I'm happy. I comprehend the word "serenity" and I know peace. I'm sponsoring a girl in the program, which is challenging, but rewarding. I helped my roommate celebrate her birthday this weekend - and it was a better day for me than any birthday I've had in years! I'm making new friends...and family.

Saturday night I got to sit next to my friend's darling son while he drew pictures for me, then he turned to his mom and said "Can my aunt Jacki come over and see my hamster?"

I am truly blessed.