Settling in.

So, the spare bedroom is a pile of boxes and stuff, but the rest of the apartment looks pretty good! Last night I bought a new shower head - more environmentally friendly, and now showering doesn't hurt. First time in my life I had too much water pressure.

Looking forward to eating dinner on the patio tonight. My folks brought me a set of folding chairs and a little table, and last night I got a citronella candle. There's a pretty field across the way and the trees are in bloom. It'll be nice to relax out there and watch the sunset.

I have thank you cards to write tonight. A few of my neighbors helped me carry furniture and my coworkers have done an amazing job of making sure I have everything I need. I really am blessed.

I still have SO much unpacking and sorting and organizing to do, and I can't let myself just shut the door and ignore the mess or it'll never get squared away!

Meeting the future head-on.

I could do a sad girl post breakup entry here, but what good would that do? It sucks, I'm sad, he hates me, I feel like the worst person ever, the end.

Instead I want to look ahead. This weekend I'm moving into MY OWN APARTMENT! On my own again for the first time in almost two years. I can't wait. But, I'm sure it will be weird at first, the empty house on top of the empty hours I used to spend with Eric. Last night I got to thinking about the things I would do with my newfound time and space:

1) Exercise! I'll have privacy to use my Gazelle, and space to spread out my yoga mat. In addition to the Gazelle, I have an ab circuit I've been wanting to try, and I'm going to commit to the 100 Pushups/150 Dips challenge.

2) Reading. I have almost a dozen books that people have lent me that I haven't read. And now I have a nice little porch to lounge around on. It's high time I hit the books.

3) Creating. I need to finish all my existing knitting and crochet projects. No more new yarn until I do. And I want to make fun, useful things for my apartment. I have the skill, I just need the discipline.

4) Folding. I have a looong way to go on my 1000 Paper Cranes Challenge.

5) Writing. NaNoWriMo may be long over, but I still have a novel to finish and edit and prepare for submission. And because I have project ADD, I'm thinking about starting a new one for Camp NaNo this summer.

Things change, life goes on, and gradually the healing takes place, seeming, as always, that it isn't taking place.

Life is strange, but it's beautiful.

I've been stubbornly trying to refute this notion lately. "Not everything is beautiful," I argue. I am tired, I am hurting, I am scared and frustrated and confused. I want to indulge my own weak, petty bitterness. I want to piss and moan like a petulant child.

But I'm better than that, and I deserve to make myself act like it. And the people around me deserve me at my best. And when I give myself the chance to be better, I find beauty in everything. Even in my pain, or my frustration, or my confusion.