I'm a leaf on the wind.

I used to be consumed by envy and longing.

You know how it is. You see a happy couple or even a group of friends and you bitterly think "Why can't that be me?"

When I go to the park I usually spread my blanket out in a big circle of trees. There's gaps in the trees and picnic tables scattered through the grass; there's a good view of the park but also a sense of seclusion and solitude.

On Wednesday, a young couple had pulled one of the picnic tables into the shelter of the trees and hid there behind low-hanging branches. Through one of the breaks in the treeline I could see a group of teenagers playing frisbee. Through another, parents and children on the playground.

I felt blessed.

In a world with so much ugliness, I had the privilege of witnessing these moments of beauty. And perhaps someone was witnessing my own moment of beauty, stretched out on my blanket, savoring the sun and my book.

We quest for love. We yearn for it, thirst for it. We long to be part of something beautiful.

We ARE part of something beautiful. Look at the people around you. I look at my incredible sister, my friends, my beautiful nieces. All the people who bless my life. I'm a part of them, just as they're a part of me. What's more beautiful than that?

It's cool, I'm taking it back.

Yesterday was the perfect day to lay in the sun and read a book, so I did exactly that.

It was the first time I'd been to that park since Matt broke up with me there.

"You ruined this place for me," he had said; "I won't even be able to drive by here anymore." But he moved away. Hours away, where he doesn't have to cross the river and remember all the time we spent walking along it together.

People constantly move the picnic benches around at the park, so I'll never be sure which one is the one. The one where he sang "Love Hurts (but sometimes it's a good hurt)," the one where he held me tight and made me promise not to cry, the one where he kissed me goodbye and I saw the look in his eyes and realized it was hurting him too.

I'm going to throw the necklace into the river. Maybe it'll keep me from dreaming about him again.

I'm alright. I really am.

Y'know what they say about plans, eh?

We broke up. It happens. He just wasn't as into me as I was to him. Eventually we'll be friends. In the meantime, I made two amazing new friends through him. Everything happens for a reason.

I moved in with a really good friend of mine...next door. Physically, I didn't go far, but it's a huge change. For one thing, everything from my spacious bedroom and modest living room at my old place is now crammed in my small bedroom. For another, I'm sharing my space with another person again, after more than a year on my own.

And y'know what? It's pretty cool. We're both saving a bunch of money, and I'm so lucky to have someone I can trust this much. Not to mention someone willing to put up with my kittens.

Humans are naturally social creatures, and as much as I loved being on my own, it's kinda nice to have someone to share leftover cake with, too.

Speaking of cake, my birthday was awesome.

Life is sweet.

Feeding the wolves.

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me...it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too", he added.

The Grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."

Let's be honest - we know which wolf we usually feed. We feed the one that growls the loudest, the one that snaps at our hands. We feed it to keep it at bay while the other wolf quietly starves, trying to live off leftovers and table scraps.

We give the best of ourselves to the lesser part of our nature until it devours us. We cheat ourselves and everyone around us.

Oddly enough, this is the song that came on while I was typing this:
"We are the ones who lost our faith. We dug ourselves an early grave. We are the dead, can we be saved?"

I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sounds.

How can someone, in a week and a half's time, learn more about me than I know about myself?

It makes sense when I think about it. That's what dating is about - scrutinizing the other person, learning about not just what they show you but what lies around the corner from those things. And he's perceptive - it's one of the things I dig about him.

He pointed out that most of my friends are older, and he felt that it influences me too much, that I let it make me feel older than I am and consequently worry about dating a guy two years younger than me.

I called bullshit. If I act older than I am, it's because I had to grow up fast. And if I'm worried about dating a younger guy, it's probably because my ex-husband was younger.

But I realized he's right.

I've been SO consumed with wanting "a future" with a husband and kids. Since when??? When I got married I NEVER intended to have kids. But when the maternal instincts really started kicking in - for a variety of reasons - I let it run way too deeply. After all, I'm almost 27, I'm SUPPOSED to want to be a wife and mother, right?

Don't get me wrong, I still do. But I don't want those things NOW! I love having my own time, my own space, my freedom. I've been so focused on this future that I forgot how much I love the present.

I've been chasing things beyond my control. There's too many factors involved in this future that I can't influence, when what I can influence is ME. And no matter how much I want a family of my own, what I want more than anything is to NEVER SETTLE for less than what I want.

So now, I have this guy, and he's amazing. At first glance he seems to meet none of the standards I set. He's younger than me, he's reckless, he's wild. But he challenges me. And he gets me. And I love the way I feel when I'm with him.

So I'm throwing caution to the wind. I can continue the exhausting chase for this elusive future, or I can run with the good things I have right now. I think I'd be a fool if I didn't choose the latter.

Not my proudest of moments.

I drank on an empty stomach last night. Yeah, I know - I know better than that. I wasn't all that hungry and it was one of those moments when life seemed to be happening too fast to worry about stuff like food. Some of it was funny. Some of it wasn't.

I got hit with firecracker shrapnel. So, secret achievement unlocked?

I went on my first Harley ride! After swearing so emphatically for all these years that while I love to look I'd never touch, I did it. And it was awesome. And the whole time I was thinking "Dad's gonna be so pissed."

At some point - a very hazy point - I decided I needed to talk to my sister. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing when the idea struck but I grabbed my phone and took off down the road. Barefoot. And I was crying and rambling and more of a mess than she should have to deal with - but I said so many things I hadn't been able to until then and I'm glad I did.

I learned things about myself I didn't really want to know. But, knowledge is power and I'm glad to have it. Now the question is, what will I do with this knowledge? I have choices to make - about the life I have, the life I want, about who I am and who I want to be.

Narcolepsy wins.

I wanted to do some DIY-therapy today. It's been too long since I've put my hands to work. I have a few pieces of wood waiting for inspiration and woodburning to strike, a few blank canvases, and among other things, a sack full of leather scraps with no purpose as of yet.

Of course, the house needs cleaning, too. And I have a month to organize/downsize before I give up my place and move into my buddy's spare bedroom.

AND I've really wanted to play through Mass Effect and Fallout 3 again.

But...it's not too hot out, and it's not very humid, and there's a great breeze blowing...so I'm thinking nap in the park.