Wednesday, January 26, 2011

If the dream isn't real, is the lie worth defending?

I think I'm in shock.

I haven't cried since the 17th, when I confessed at the Monday night meeting that I very nearly took my life.

When I fell and hit my head last week and I hurt so badly in so many places, I didn't cry.

When I found out mama lost her job, throwing a wrench in the machinations of being a family again, I didn't cry.

When I scheduled a painful invasive medical procedure that is likely only the first in a long battle, I didn't cry.

When I realized that I have to quit force-feeding myself and just wait until my stomach cramps and nausea - which I've had since Sunday night - go away, I didn't cry.

People ask me how I am and I smile and tell them I'm good. I go to meetings, I do my studies and meditations, I pray.

My sleep is tortured; every night, a new nightmare. I wake in pain from the tension in my body.

And yet, I smile. I say I'm fine.

I'm starting to worry about what it's gonne feel like when I stop being fine.

1 comment:

  1. hey girl...im praying for you. i dont always have the answers but i am always willing to listen if you ever need to talk. love you girl and you are amazing! hang in there...God will never leave your side! :)

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