I hate what I've become.
I'm back on Prozac because honestly, I don't want to live anymore. The endless cycle continues; my highs are awesome, but my lows seem to be getting lower and lasting longer. I cry all the time. I'm stressed, anxious, worried about everything. My stomach hurts all the time. I have nightmares almost every night. I don't enjoy...anything. I don't even listen to music anymore. My self-esteem is nonexistent. I feel totally and completely alone, even though I'm not. I want to talk about it, but to what end? It doesn't make me feel any better. I want someone to help me, but...how? There's nothing that will help. I don't even know how to exist anymore. Pretending I'm okay makes me feel more alone, but being honest about how I feel makes me feel like a burden. I'm starting to go numb. I feel like my inner self is curled up in a corner with her head down and her hands over her ears and all the negativity inside me is just a dull, muffled roar.
Tomorrow is the start of National Novel Writing Month. I'm hoping I won't have time to feel anything.
"I don't want to live anymore". Sorry, hon. I can't read that and then just blithely click "next" and go on to the next item on my Reader. I'm glad you're back on Prozak. But I need you to promise me that if you keep feeling this way, you will call or text me FIRST. Honestly, I've felt that way myself a lot lately but I remind myself that there's no point in solving my problems if I won't be around to enjoy a problem-free life. And also? As overwhelming as it may be sometmes, I'm too invested in this life and the people in it to walk away without seeing how it all turns out. I hope you can see it the same way. I love you like whoa, darlin', and so many other people do too. I know what it is to feel so crushed by the world but I'm glad you're addressing it. HUGS x a million. -V to AAAAAAY!
ReplyDeleteGOOGLE JUST DELETED MY WHOLE RESPONSE!!!
ReplyDeleteANYHOW...my dearest V. I love you so much! I promise promise promise that I am not a danger to myself. I'm not even hurting myself in a little way, much less thinking of hurting myself in a big way. (Although I *am* thinking of getting my nose pierced and I imagine that'll hurt plenty.) I love the people in my life far too much to even think of putting them through that. And the reasonable part of me (I have one, I swear!) knows that part of why I feel so bad is certain situations in my life, and I know those situations will improve, and so will I. Besides, my doctor knows I'm struggling and since we see each other every day at work, she's keeping an eye on me. So, thank you for loving me enough to worry, but I promise, you don't need to worry.
Thank you, sweetie. I was pretty sure you knew better but I had to be sure. I love you so very much. This year has been a rough one but next year we have GOT to get together!
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